Last week my 12 (she keeps reminding me… soon to be 13) spent the week with me. She starts school next week. It is the longest time we’ve ever spent together, and THE BEST TIME I’ve ever had with her. I feel so grateful for the week. She is a very special girl. Very smart, very talented (she loves to paint) and the music videos she creates has me in awe. Creativity doesn’t lack in this soul!
I dropped her off at her dad’s Friday, and as I drove home Friday night, windows down, older music on the stereo, my thoughts were so filled with love, with desire to spend more time with her.
There was a time in my life when I didn’t have much time to myself. That isn’t the way it is now, much to my own making. I have spent, and do spend A LOT of time on my own. I keep busy, I own a house which I’m renovating on my own (now that the major work has been done by contractors), and I have a business that I need to dive back into.
As the wind blew my hair around, and kissed my skin, I thought about the news of the week. The flooding in Louisiana, the fires in California, and all the political bullshit that makes its way to my computer screen. My mind drifted to the Zika virus, as I waited while a pregnant woman walked across the road to a restaurant. ENOUGH, I said. ENOUGH! I can’t take anymore news right now, I don’t want to see anymore election crap, I don’t want to worry about tomorrow, I just want to feel this beautiful place I’ve been over the past week. A purpose beyond survival.
I feel change coming within me. I have felt it for a while now. I no longer want to spend all my time to myself. I want to look into someone’s eyes and celebrate them, us. I want to share my life with someone who appreciates and respects mine.
Thoughts drifted to relationships of past. Each one had their own beauty, a couple when they ended! 🙂 I’ve been single for over a decade. I’ve dated, but the guys I’ve dated were not even close to who I would spend my life with. I think today, overweight, covered in painting clothes, I’m the best person I’ve ever been. A very dear friend of mine, whom I trust with my soul said to me from Australia “Do you know how long I’ve been hearing you say, you aren’t ready?” She wasn’t criticizing, she was sharing her feelings and it reminded me of the time another friend said to me twelve years ago “There will always be excuses to stay in a bad relationship”. Both statements have moved me.
I’m not going to race out and join ANY online dating site. I’m not ready. But I’m BECOMING ready. One thing I’ve always loved about twelve step programs is, you’re never asked to do anything without becoming willing, first.
I painted this weekend, and I finally finished a painting that I feared, I could not. My hands are riddled with pain, but this weekend I had a break from that. The brush didn’t exactly flow as I wanted it to, but what was different was the way I treated myself when this happened. Easy does it. Pick it up, try again. I don’t know if any other artists struggle with fear of losing the ability to create. This weekend my inhibitions took a hike, and my weekend was filled with love, memories of a great week spent with my niece, and a painting that assures me, I can still paint. It feels nice to breathe, to not recirculate within myself negativity.
I’m taking a break from the news, while I don’t want to be ignorant of what is going on in the world, I need to breathe, to feel this happiness, this peace. I will continue prayers for the world, and for so many friends and family members who need them. But right now? I’m going to stay where I am. It’s a really nice place to be.
My busy time will soon be upon me. This year I’m starting extra early for me. I want to enjoy my life, not race through it going mach 80 with my hair on fire! I am going to start an art blog, and probably, hopefully, start working on the book I have known I was supposed to write for three decades now. Not sure what that means for this blog. But that’s okay. I don’t need to know!
Peace to you, and to world.