The past couple weeks I’ve had to take a hiatus from working on my house, given that I lifted my mantle off the gas fireplace and wrenched my back. So I have found myself sorting, tossing, and thus, revisiting my life with notebooks of writing, poems, boxes of pics, and more. Where the hell did the last 54 years of my life go?
Further depth came after the tragedies in Orlando. I will not even go here. I will say that I have been and am praying for all those affected by such monstrosities. I am saddened beyond words, of what has and is transpiring in this country, in this world. I pray for ALL of us.
But I will admit, there is something more going on with me. I don’t fully understand it, nor am I questioning it, but I am at peace with so much, even in spite of all that is going bad in this world. I FEEL something coming. I have random thoughts of what it may be, but I’m not going to go here either. What I want to share is, I’m accepting myself for who I am, where I’ve been, and finding peace with all that I wanted to be, do, but probably never will.
While looking at pictures from my past, I feel the moment, I recall the times, the feelings, the good, the bad, and the beautiful. I am aligning with who I am. And while I want to lose 75 lbs, and more, I am finding peace even with that. What if I don’t? Do I want to spend another minute of what’s left of my life worrying about or condemning myself for NOT BEING PERFECT?
It’s interesting, the story of my life told in pictures. I have known great love. I have known great pain. I have accomplished a lot on my own, without formal education, and I have met SOOO many wonderful people in my life. Many friends have come and gone, and that’s okay, it is just the ebb and flow of life. Today, tonight, as I write this blog, I am right with all that has transpired in my life. I have found peace, and for that I AM TRULY THANKFUL. If my life ends tomorrow, I am okay with it, because this place where I am is amazing.
I am grateful I was there with my sisters through the illnesses that stripped them of life. I am grateful that I spent almost a decade of my life with a man who shortly thereafter, drank himself to death. I am grateful for this “fat” that encompasses my body, because it helps me feel protected from an uncertain world. Feeling safe anywhere today, is a big thing. But most importantly to me, I am thankful that I am a good, honest, hard working person who finds pleasure in the simplest of things, in nature. I don’t spend my time wishing I was in a relationship, or with anyone else, I am happy with my life. I have learned the most through every tragedy and laughed immensely through much.
In many ways, where I am right now reminds me of surviving and completion of treatment for breast cancer. It was freeing. I had (and still have) no room in my life for luxury drama, or bull shit. It’s actually a little frightening how vocal I can be now regarding this. The tiny filter that I once had is almost entirely invisible now. The older I get, the freer I feel about speaking my truth.
Long gone are the days when I worried about someone liking me, or what they thought of me. I’m right with myself, with God. I’m right where I’m supposed to be, and it feels good.
I hope that you are finding peace in your life. I hope you are, too, realizing how precious life is. How every second of every day is not promised to anyone, and in the blink of an eye your life, and those lives around you, can be altered drastically. Anyone hearing of the massacre in Orlando, can you help but think this?
Sending you love, light, and as I mentioned earlier, prayers for the world we live in.