Today has been a hard day. No particular anniversary, minimal physical pain with the exception of that place that resides in my chest and harbors my heart.
My sleep schedule has been largely disrupted, but that’s okay, I am getting A LOT of work done. What happens, however, is a crash and burn. But it’s the best sleep next to anesthesia! I am one who loves being knocked out. LOVE it! When my time comes to die, I hope to be wide awake, waiting for that light.
As I slept hard, and what feels comatose, my dreams consisted of people and places in my past. People who have passed. Normally I wake up, can shake off the initial pain (remembering… realizing… reality) and be grateful that I saw their face, eyes, smile, heard their voice once more. But not today. Today I am lingering in a world that no longer exists. My head knows this, my heart doesn’t want to hear it.
A friend, consoling me said “It doesn’t matter how long it’s been”. I thanked her for that. No, it doesn’t. Last night’s dream still has me walking on shaky ground, many hours later. I know I can’t go back, if I could, I would’ve by now. Someone I need to walk through this day, embrace what is, be grateful for what WAS and is, and let it go. But that’s much easier said than done, at least today it is.
I wonder, is there alcohol in heaven? Hiss at me for suggesting such. But when you’ve loved and lost someone who is or was an addict, there is some peace in knowing, their fight, their plight with their demons has passed.
We drove past a church where a service was being held for a young man who died of an overdose. My heart hurt for his family and friends. “His mother said there is some peace in knowing, it’s behind him”. I nodded, thinking about what I said above. Yeah, I said to myself, and I pray that it will carry her through the hard days ahead.
To grieve, to mourn is not anti God. It is not a horrible thing to do, and while it is hard, for me, apparently today, it is necessary. For those who have on occasion suggested differently or in a bit of kinder, less harshful words than “Move on”, I bid you, how the hell does one do that?
Last night I visited the past. A past that ended tragically, but one that was also filled with immense love, memories, and some of the best times of my life. Today I’m trying to get back to acceptance, beyond the pain of loss that revisits on occasion. I know I will find my way, but right now? Right now my heart hurts. I am longing for acceptance, and soon. I know why I’m feeling this way, I know that I have to face one of my own demons…. fear. Fear of being hurt again. But will I?
Missy Higgins “Scar”