The banter in my head


I woke up this morning 45 minutes after my alarm apparently went off.   My first thought and physical manifestation was “OH NO!”  Let’s panic!  I have 15 minutes before I have to leave my house to get to the place where I have committed to be.  The adrenaline rush that takes over, the chaos ensued was halted.     I sat back down on the side of the bed.  No, no, I’m not going to do this anymore.  I’m not going to make myself sick to my stomach or put my body through stresses of things so insignificant.   I shouldn’t be doing it at ANY time.   So I took a couple deep breaths, lowered my head and thanked God for another day with health, with my family, friends.   I asked for help in keeping the promise I made to myself that I am now going to be consistently kinder to myself, to my body.  After all, as days go by I’m very well aware of time.  My God, where did it go?   I’ve identified behavior that is best described as “self sabotage”.    If I’m limiting my horizons mentally, will my dreams ever be fulfilled?  That is, now that I’m daring to dream again.   Now that I’ve opened myself up to accepting who I am, where I am, where I want to go.   At 52 I get it!  I finally get it!  It’s exciting.

So, I made breakfast, lunch and in a steady pace, not hurried, took care of what I needed to take care of.   As I walked out to my jeep I looked down and there was a 4 leaf clover.  I picked it and smiled… yep!   It’s going to be a good day and it is because of all the changes I am making in myself, my life that I am peaceful, serene.   As kids we would search regularly for four leaf clovers.  My kid sister always found the most.  I have often joked that she could find a 4 leaf clover going 50 mph in a car!   As I picked it, I thought of her and smiled, told her I missed her.   I believe in signs.  I believe that life can be fulfilling, rich, that I can have that which I want.  I believe God wants this for me, and I believe that I am the only person that can make this happen, live this way.     Just as I believe this, I also know that the critic that resides in my head for all four seasons which manifests itself as fear, anxiety, harsh judgement of self needs to be silenced.  SHUT UP!  SHUT UP!   Of course there is importance (if you are an individual who wants to grow) in listening to constructive criticism.   But negativity can quickly turn from banter between my head and heart to low self esteem, confidence, worth.  It needs to go, but yesterday!  

I am the only one who can make the changes necessary to live a happy, fulling life.  And you know what?  I DESERVE THAT! So do you, we all do.  Well, okay, maybe not the guy who cut me off this morning in traffic 😉 !    

It’s not just about changing the way i talk to myself, but how I treat my body, how I treat myself.   Am I being kind to myself?  Am I putting myself first persistently, and that is not to imply that there is no compromise or putting others needs on back burners.  I am kind, caring.  I am a giver, and I don’t want to, nor do I foresee that ever changing.   But here’s the thing… what if I put myself into a situation where I can help MORE people?  Where I can afford to volunteer time teaching art to cancer patients?  Where I can touch and help MORE people and help make their life, lives more fulfilling?   This is what I want to do, and if I let the itty bitty shitty committee in my head take over, if I listen to that from myself and others, will I be able to achieve that which is important to me? Become the person I am supposed to become?  Participate in the world the way I am supposed to?

I remember a few months ago giving $10 to a homeless person.  A family member who was with me said “How can you afford to do that?”   I looked at her and smiled.  “I can’t afford NOT to do it!”    Whatever we give to others comes back to us ten fold.  It really does.   Well, that is if I am not “giving to get”.  If I am giving to another without agenda, strings attached, then the rewards of such are plentiful.  It took me a while to figure out that “giving to get” is a form of control, manipulation, but also counter productive.

So, my existence today is one from a happy place, serene.   It surely feels great!


One response »

  1. Pingback: The banter in my head | An artist's life

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