The past week has been trying, challenging, and disappointing to me. In reviewing this week I know why I have had the desire to build a cabin in the woods and live far away from others. Safe from the harm of insincerity, of cruelty, of pain.
As a kid my mother used to tell me “If you have one true friend in the world, you have it all”. Well, it took me almost 50 years to figure out that my mother did in fact know what she was talking about throughout my life, and that this statement of hers was beyond truthful.
I was never really close to a lot of people. A high school sweetheart whom I’d rather swallow mosquitos than spend time with now. As an adult I have happened along many wonderful people, many to which I call my friend. What does being my friend mean to me? Well, what does it mean to YOU?
Life is about growth. This I believe. If I have to be under foot or on the phone with someone every day, every week, every month, it will never work. Why? Because right or wrong, I keep a distance for myself, for my own sanity, for my own protection or self preservation. I’m not unique in my experiences, I’ve been hurt, burned and bruised by others. For me I would rather put my energy into my art, my talents than risk losing another piece of my heart. Sadly, I do not want to be like this. I don’t believe that is what God would want from me. Every day I struggle with the choice to let others into my life, into my heart.
Today I was crushed when someone I thought was a friend slammed me into a corner, accusing me of something that I am not guilty of. Wow! At first I took it with my tail between my legs. A few minutes later I was ticked off and hurt. Anger is hard for me. I am learning how to deal with it. In past I have swallowed oodles of food or whatever other addiction I picked up or vacillated through. None of them work anymore. None of them fill the void of loneliness, of heart-break, of fear. I believe it’s supposed to be this way. Why? So that I can once again climb into the cart of self improvement, or growth. So that I can live, learn and laugh through the many trials and tribulations that life dishes out. I have fought against black and white thinking my whole life. Either something really was, or it really wasn’t. Finding the grey areas have taken time, patience. There is no quick fix to this. This thinking, as destructive as it can be to myself, I am realizing is also destructive towards others. We all have our shortcomings. We all have our challenges, our struggles.
My life will go on. I will heal from the hurt as I always have. I will continue on the path that I’ve worked on the majority of my life – self improvement, growth. I will learn from this, and with God’s help, I will not let this take me back a few steps unless it is to gain momentum to move forward.
Today is no different than the lessons of yesteryear, perhaps a bit of a refresher? Today I will drop a few tears, say a few prayers and tomorrow, when I awake, hopefully I will feel better. Life goes on. Life always goes on even when you think it’s cruel, when you’ve experienced an enormous loss and still, the birds chirp. How can that be? This is life. This is a lesson in life. Some of us get it sooner than later. Either way, it doesn’t change the lesson, but the intensity of it.
Yes, I’m angry. I’m very angry. My therapist would tell me this is good. I am sitting with this anger, sitting with this disappointment. Such is life. Such is life.