The “What if’s” ?


Like any other behavioral change, the decision to make positive changes is much easier than the follow through.    I am working on, or some might suggest I say “I am” practicing positive thinking.

For years I lived with a death grip to the laces on the infamous impending “shoe to drop”.  I became accepting that this was how to live your life… cautiously.   But then again, there is a difference between being cautious and being negative.  This borders on both!

I’ve done enough behavioral therapy to understand the concept.    The last behavioral therapy I did was “ACT”  which stands for Acceptance Commitment Therapy.   I have found this to be the most effective, but there again there is never anything that’s cut and dry.  It depends on the space one is in, mentally, physically, “readiness”…    I learned this therapy 2 years ago.   In short, it is effective with me because of the visual I have.  On the left, what is the behavior?  On the right, my values, my morals, my dreams…   Is this behavior or choice walking me towards what I desire or opposite?    Cognitive changes are hard to do but possible.

I do not believe that anyone has only good days and consistently sees the good, the positive, the beautiful.   Even someone like Joel Olsteen, one of the most positive people in spotlight, has his bad days.    He’s human!  But I would bet his good days far outweigh the bad because of his attitude, the choices he has made to “be happy, be positive”.   I am seeing it today as a choice.

On my long ride home last night in 5pm Boston traffic I had plenty of time to think.  For some reason I didn’t want the radio on because I wanted quiet.   This is something fairly new to me.   It’s comical to hear my friends and family say “You are unusually quiet”.   It’s a good thing.   I’m internalizing, in a healthy way, my thoughts, making decisions based solely on what I feel is best.  Perhaps it is because I’m learning to trust myself?  Perhaps I am listening to my inner voice and sharing it only with God?  I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter.  Truth is, I’m in unfamiliar territory.   I’m paving new ground for me to walk on, and this will eventually become comfortable ground.  It’s not going to happen overnight, but I am determined and have made a decision to do so.  But I digress…

The thought that came to mind is “Failure is not an option”.    This is my new mantra.  I can do anything I want to do if I’m willing to be consistent.   Making my way a little everyday, not going hog wild left or right winged and petering out.   A little bit everyday.   This is how I will achieve success.  This is how I will learn to sit with things, to deal with things, to walk through things.  This is how I am and will feel good about myself.   The days of “Tomorrow is another day” need to cease, or at least the percentage of.   Today, just a little bit today.

But this thinking is perfectionism.  I have to do it ALL, NOW, & PERFECTLY!   I’m not perfect.  I will never BE perfect.  Get over it already!  I am capable of change, I am capable of changing behaviors however small or large this may be.  But I will not be successful doing it all at once.  Motivation?  Momentum?  Important… but this perfectionism I am identifying, this black or white thinking, and this instant gratification crap that I reach out to needs to stop.  One step, one day at a time.

So now I’m asking myself…. What if?   What IF I could be successful?  (that is a loaded statement there, how am I determining my success or failure?)  What IF I could get everything I want?   What IF I could realize my dreams?   Ultimately these questions should be spoken in terms of “I have all that I want.  I am successful, I am enough just as I am, I am, I am, I am…  I am a work in progress, and I am right where I am supposed to be.  Well, this is true if I’m doing my best, right?  If I’m not doing my best, is this statement true?  Hmmm, perhaps.  I know when I’m in a bad place I am the only one who can pull myself out of it.  No one can do this work for me, I have to do it myself and I WANT and AM committed to doing it.    I am becoming a vessel of positivity, peace, the glass half filled and power of now.  THANK GOD!

And now?  Within the scope of this beautiful day we are having, I am happy, I am hungry, so now I am going to eat a pb&j!   How am I going to eat the pb&j?   One bite at a time!!!!!!!!   ♥



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