Commitment

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Alongside intimacy, I have problems with commitment.   If you want to go out to dinner with me you are better off springing it on me that day.  It’s just the way it is.   I have improved some in this department, but am far from “norm”, whatever that is.

I can be in a long term relationship, faithful, and wish to be in another, but in all honesty, that scares me.  Not the faithful part, the intimacy part.  And no not sex, intimacy is much more than that.

Recently I have come to grips with what I need to do for myself, what I need to do to take care of myself.   This involved admission of an addiction to food, and action to arrest it.    I’ve joined OA, which I am excited about.  I don’t have to do this alone because frankly, I can’t, I’ve tried.  My best intentions and attempts landed me in the slump I was in.   

I need to make commitments to myself.   While I have in past struggled with this too, I am much more willing to try, am making changes that will improve my life, mentally, physically, spiritually.   As part of this I brushed off the old treadmill which has been unused for a year, and planned to start using it on the porch where it sits.   Hmmm, this will only last 2 weeks until the heat and humidity set in and then I will have a viable excuse to stop.  So, painstakingly I rearranged my art room, saying goodbye to a piece of furniture that I love, but no longer have the room for.  Fortunately a good friend is taking it, so as silly as it sounds, I will still be able to see it and I know she will put it to great use.   I remember going to my friend’s house and she had an exercise bike that had clothes draped over it.   I said to her “It must be a pain in the ass to remove those clothes every night when you use that!”   Like I have never used an exercise machine as a clothes rack!  Too many!

The treadmill is now where there will be constant air conditioning through to Fall, I can listen to music effortlessly, and if desired, watch television while exercising.     It was a difficult decision to make because first, I don’t like a treadmill right there when you first walk into my front door, but this is where I stand the greatest chance of keeping to the commitment I’ve made to myself to get in shape.  I’m actually pleased with my decision, which reinforces, to myself that I am giving this my all.    The crappy part of all of this is the relocation of many things, including scads of items that were in the cabinet I am getting rid of. 

I have worked very hard to get my house organized.   If you lived in my chaotic mind for the past decade you would probably vomit at the steady rollercoaster in thinking.   Grateful I was diagnosed with ADHD last year and am on medications that have improved the quality of my life, and since then allowing me the mindset, since, of cleaning out every nook and cranny of my house.   My cellar has never been this empty since I moved in 26 + years ago.    I need to get it cleaned and sealed, am not sure I’ll be able to do that with my allergies and sensitivities but the fact that it is almost ready for this is gigantic!     A furniture hoarder, thus the constant flux of furniture in my house, which consequently ended up on my 3 season porch, has ceased.    I have two pieces left in my shed that I am bringing into my house, and I will not be buying anything unless something is removed.   For the first time in my adult life I will have no “unused” furniture to fall back on when I’m in the mood for change.  Still, the peace of mind, the freedom I am feeling in taking these actions is much greater than my desire to continue the “treasure hunt”.    It’s so much easier to clean my house, my little house suddenly is looking more spacious, and everything has a place.  I’m sure most of you will say, well, yeah… but I have not lived that way in a very long time.   It didn’t help to be living with the crazies of active alcoholism for almost a decade and then was in fight or flight mode to make my way back from it all, which too, has taken almost a decade to do.  Still there are financial restraints that I sometimes feel like I’ll never get beyond.  But progress.  I have to look at the progress I’ve made.

I called my bestest last night to vent, purge myself of the feelings of frustrations I was having with once again, having my house in disarray.   As with most projects, one leads to another, to another until almost every room of your, well my, house is involved.    I made a point last night to clean up what I could so that I would not come downstairs and be overwhelmed immediately.  It worked.   I have a lot of work to do, but it is doable.  It certainly doesn’t seem as bad as it did yesterday.

So, here I am, writing about the commitments I am making to myself, the decisions that I’ve made.   Once I make a decision which has truly set into my brain, I’m pretty good about keeping it.    I’m replacing all the negative self talk with positive affirmations, reaching out to those who can and will support me, and I’m on my way.  As we often hear, life isn’t about the destination but the journey, I started this journey with movement, action.   Success doesn’t begin with an hour on the treadmill, it begins at the time of thought, readiness, preparation, arrangements.   I am doing it!

 

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