Sung to the tune of “Thank God I’m a country boy!” -John Denver, “Thank god it’s Friday night… yeah!” Five doctors appointments, medical tests… I’m glad this is behind me.
Today has been a good day. I saw my shrink, which was long overdue. And I saw my therapist for a couple minutes who came over to me to see how I was doing after a particularly difficult week. It meant much to me. It’s nice to know she cares. Believe me, I have many stories to tell of therapists I have had in the past. One very good one, and a bucketful of soggy onions.
Took my mom shopping, always an adventure. Bought a new mop and bucket because Sophie Lauren chewed the mop up and trashed the bucket. Anyway, I decided today would be a domestic day, yes I planned to put on my domestic goddess tiara. A hankerchief! Trust me, it doesn’t happen often. First frustrated with my 3 month old Electrolux until I found the cause. I guess I should vacuum more often? A baseball size fur ball. Kinda gross, kinda funny.
As I mentioned before, this week has been a hard week. I’m not going to go into it all, I just want to reiterate perhaps to myself, and any of you who are struggling…hang in there, hang on…it does pass. I surely hope this is behind me, but probably not. This is an anniversary time of my youngest sisters passing, and weeks prior, and right around the corner will be my oldest sisters passing. If you’ve ever lost a sibling you know, it sucks. It feels like someone or something reached into my chest and pulled out a large chunk of my heart. Time teaches me how to coexist with it, but it never really goes away. We are also coming up on the anniversary when I found out my ex died. Deep sighs. I can do this, I can do this. And if that isn’t enough…. the diagnosis of breast cancer(s)….
The past couple of days I’ve been thinking about life in terms of rules. There are none! The older I get the more I “get” that it isn’t about our experiences as much as how we HANDLE or COPE with them. Life isn’t a bowl of cherries, at least mine hasn’t been. It has it’s highs and lows and another thing I am learning is to appreciate the times that seem “boring”…they are a blessing. Sort of like how I have changed my view on “bad boys”. I was always drawn to them, the excitement? The mystery? I don’t know. Now a days I’m thinking that who I would once view as “boring” will be very nice. I’m not into parties, I’m not into crowds (a topic that was covered today with my shrink). I enjoy going out for dinner, I enjoy going for rides, particularly back hills, or better in the woods. I am no longer an extrovert. I’m told that this happens sometimes with age, but I’m very much an introvert now and that is okay with me.
Reconnecting with childhood friends has brought an array of memories. Oh how simple life seemed then. Yes, times have changed, but maturity and more happens and it can easily become hard water to tread in. It also grounds me. I’m not particularly crazy about seeing even these people, I will typically dodge them and go the other way in hopes they hadn’t seen me… but usually when I do see someone and have a conversation with them I walk away feeling good and wondering why I would ever “run” from such an experience. I am also horrible when it comes to commitments. “Yes, yes sounds good!” and when the engagement comes, I’m dragging feet and the majority of the time, will cancel or back out of the plans. Ask any of my family or close friends. Yeah, I’ve learned that “fear of intimacy” is directly related to, sibling to “fear of commitment”.
As difficult as this week has been I have learned a lot. Why perhaps I am as described above, what perhaps prompted or caused it. I’ve relearned that I can endure, that I beat the crap out of myself with unrealistic and unhealthy expectations of myself. As a person who has struggled with depression the majority of my life one would think I would “understand” it’s talon grip. I call myself lazy and a few things, negative connotations. “Why can’t I ‘pull myself up by my bootstraps’…and more. Depression is real, it can be debilitating.
There is a house and garage/barn that has been in the process of being built for months now. Every time I drive by I slow down and study it. The lines of the house, the design, the architecture is just beautiful. I don’t know how anyone could look at this and not see that architectures are artists of a different medium. Anyway, watching this reminds me of the importance of building a good foundation, not to skimp on that as it’s the most important in building. The most beautiful house (life) can easily be compromised, severely, if the foundation is shoddy. Yah yah, I’m full of metaphors these days.
I received a surprise visit today from a woman who I just adore. She is 85 and an artist. She is my mentor. We visited for an hour or so, getting caught up on things and showing each other our latest paintings/designs. It made my day. I am also excited that tomorrow I have plans to spend it with girlfriends, beading. I am excited that I am excited about this and not dragging feet and feeling skivvy.
I am off to do laundry, make some brownies and enjoy a quiet night at home with my furries.
Have a great weekend! ♥