Another day that I feel was wasted with sleep, rest. Shaking my head. Tomorrow will be better.. .tomorrow will be better. The antibiotic seems to be working however, I feel better. Not so much that someone punched me in my face but more like a baby swinging their head back and getting me. Softer…
I have been contemplating my life, my life accomplishments, failures, and more. Sometimes I look at my life and think I’m the luckiest person in the world, I do what I love for work, I love my family and many friends, I’m surrounded with furries, I live in a beautiful part of the world where I get to often see nature’s creatures. I can look at my designs in art, jewelry, needle craft, and read my writing and think “Damn girl, you’re doing okay”. Other days, not so much.
On these days I have to remind myself that I should not measure success by way of my bank account. I would barely get a few feet. I’m not materialistic, though I love nice things. I want my home to be a reflection to who I am, and offer warm comfort and welcome to guests. I’m told that I have succeeded here. I think about the unfinished mural of Tuscany in my kitchen, the hole in the wall to fit the stackable into it’s new location upstairs, the broken and old windows that offer no insulation, and the many other things that I know and some days, is all I see. I have to look further. My home, my body, my life is a work in progress. If everything were to be put in proper place and fall together, wouldn’t that be boring? Sarcasm (to tear flesh)……
Have been thinking about something and last nights conversation with my bestest girlfriend took this even further. I, we are forever changing, growing. We may watch a movie one day, and then years later watch the same movie and see it’s message so differently. Why? Because we are not who we were the first time we saw it, therefore we have grown, evolved from there. It’s like driving the same road for years and then one day seeing something, sizable, that we had never seen. It happens. Instead of getting flustered with why we didn’t get the goodness, the message we are getting from it now years later, perhaps we can look at it as if whatever we saw then, was what we were ready to see?
Hindsight is always 20/20. I enjoy asking people this question “If you could go back and do it all again, what would you do?” You may be surprised to hear “I don’t want to go back”. I feel that way. But I can dare to look at the things I would have done differently. Not failure, or regrets, just knowledge. There is a difference. Knowledge comes from truth. No one goes through life without missteps.
As I mentioned before, I am trying to look at my life for what it is. I recently have been getting my will together, and making known my end of life choices, and realize on days that are difficult, that I have not all I need to live an unfrustrated existence, I can easily whip myself into self loathing, feeling bad about the decisions I once made that reared me where I am today. Which feels like rubbing my nose in it, in a cruel manner to self. What good does this do? And also, is it accurate? This is where self doubt is a good thing!
I sat with a woman yesterday who was trying to help me in one area of my life. Tears started to fall down my face and she said “What’s wrong?” With my eyes looking outside into the woods I said “This is not where I expected to be at this point in my life. What have I done wrong?” She looked at me, smiled, and kindly said “Did it ever occur to you that you are not doing anything wrong?” Her words startled me. “Um, NO!” Flooding back are the words from close friends who have encouraged me through my life and the challenges, and the highs that comes with it. Why am I so quick to blame myself for everything? Why am I so quick to think that I am not “good enough”, something that I have learned once was the center of my being, ruling me, proving to myself and others the validity of those two words. I am happy to say that I no longer have this belief at my core. It still hangs around, surrounding my feelings, and there are days I can roll my eyes, push them off, and other days I begin feeling caged within them. My girlfriend Pam has said to me on numerous occasions, “Why do you think you need anymore purpose than who you are right now?” I don’t know. I guess maybe I don’t!
I listen to my mother, colorful creature whose hard exterior covers a woman who has withstood much pain. My mother is a highly intelligent woman. At 52 I can finally see that! 🙂 ♥ Oh if I only knew half, then, of what I thought I knew now! She is more intelligent than I am, and gives very good sound advice. At 52 I do not hear or view her words as personal. I listen, don’t always agree, but give her the courtesy of sharing her wisdom. We can learn so much from our elders, from each other. We just have to shut our mouths and open our ears, our eyes. Something I forget to shut my mouth! :0 We hear talk of others “he is an old soul.” My youngest sister I would describe as an old soul. Why? Well, for one, she observed a lot. Would watch with her eyes, listen with her ears and put the kibosh to blurting out whatever stupidity may have come out merely from age, lack of knowledge! Not me, open mouth, insert foot.
So now I’m thinking back on this day of rest. Was it a wasted day? No, I’m healing, I need sleep to get beyond this illness. Did I accomplish what I wanted to? No. Is that okay? Yes. Now looking back at my accomplishments I can view them with much kinder, softer eyes, perhaps even gently! I may not like where I am today, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like myself as I do.
What does this mean? What does this leave me with? A choice. Is what I do not like in my life worthy of change? If it’s shunning me from self love, of course it is. What, then, do I need to change? I can, and I do, ask the advice of trusted others. I can work through my feelings, my thoughts and get to a point where I am looking at myself reasonably, whole, not just negative or just positive boasting. I can then pray or ask my higher power to guide me, help me to become who and what I’m supposed to become….knowledge and go about my day more open minded, more grateful, more observing than lashing, judging. I believe many of us are our own worst critics. I can be closed minded, judging myself unmercifully. Does that make it true? Ahh….. Nope! Because feelings aren’t facts and our thoughts may not be truthful.
Here lies, then, the conundrum…. How do I decipher what I “know” (wisdom, six sense) and what I “think” I know? Should I not listen to my inner voice warding me of peril? Of course I should listen. Should I not listen to my gut instinct, which is telling me to stay away from this, or that? Of course I should listen. I do think, however, when I start to bang myself around, subjecting myself to self judgment and loathing… perhaps I should THEN question, heed my own words.
The older I get, the more intelligent I get. Unfortunately, however, I can’t always remember! Ain’t maturity fun? I am looking at life as a journey to wisdom. I will not do everything perfect, and something I may dwell on today may become insignificant tomorrow, I may look back on things I would do differently, having given the chance… but when I start to beat the crap out of myself? It’s time to put the stick down and walk away. It’s useless, it’s abusive, it’s unproductive…. and chances are, I have not all the information to pass judgment on myself. Perhaps what I am thinking is NOT fact? That means, it is also is not knowledge. So why do it?
I’ll leave you with the most valuable lesson I have learned …. Life doesn’t revolve around me…. who knew?