Today’s lesson: Dump the negative connotations and insecurities that keep me from being who I am supposed to be!
Today’s gratitude: That tomorrow I have therapy. Missed all of last week and I feel it.
As I sat here this morning, looking over my shoulder at my paint desk I had a heavy feeling in my stomach. I always go through this when I haven’t picked up my paint brush in a while, and every January I am so burned out from teaching the past year that I take a sabbatical from painting. What goes through my head is…. “What if I can’t do this anymore? What if I lost my ability?” On and on I can go, but I’ll spare you from it.
So after much self coaching I sat down with the photo of what I wanted to paint. Deep breaths, couldn’t get the chair positioned right, nor able to open my paints or find the right brush……MORE procrastination, more excuses to keep me from finding out if my fears have come to light. Of course, I changed my mind a few times as to what I wanted to paint. Hey, I reserve the right to change my mind, and because I have problems with commitment… I just HAVE to change my mind!
I reintroduced myself to my brushes, falsely told them how glad I was to see them. Dread. Fucking dread. I hate this part of my psyche that I am working to change. After I got painting, however, the brush flowed, my hands and fingers started to work and I then get excited. You know, come to think of it, I often confuse excitement with dread…. but that’s a horse of a different color.
I think we are hardest on ourselves, I know I am. I wish I were a fine artist… I wish, I wish, I wish. As I tell my students, embrace your heavy or light handed painting… it is who you are. Art is art. Everyone’s interpretation is cool… okay with the exception of some of the contemporary stupid statues that take little if no thought… but then again, even that has it’s place in the folder of art. We are all artists, whether we have found so or not. When I’m asked what kind of artist I am I say… “Con”. I wish I could draw a nude man…. hell, maybe I’m just wanting to SEE one! 🙂 Anyway, the talent that go into that drawing amazes me. I love it. Perhaps one day I will try it.
Phillip Phillips is playing in my background… “Don’t pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear!” Ain’t that the truth! I am insecure about many things including on some days, my artwork. When I have seen fine art, I really want to go home and crawl under my bed… why? Again, because it is something I want to be and I know I never will be… and you know what?????? That’s okay! I am uncomfortable painting around others, comically I teach… but to design to paint a picture, I like my solitude. For some reason I think if I’m painting alongside another artist, I’ll be doing it wrong… which is SO stupid, but sadly true.
I am working on a wildlife scene with Canada geese. Already I see three things I would have changed, but time is of the essence, deadlines are fast approaching… I need to produce!
Well, I guess it’s time for me to get back to work. Still, the heaviness in my gut is there. As a child I wanted to be two things… an artist and a writer… I recall a couple artist friends who said they didn’t take this on as a living because they wanted a sound financial life… sighs… Sometimes I wonder, what would or could I have accomplished if I had continued education in art. But I can wonder all I want, it won’t change my reality. My reality? I love what I do, I hate the lack of financial security. I guess that is “union dues” for being an artist… ya think?
Today’s artwork: Hydrangeas painted on a rusty tin pocket…. probably painted a decade ago or more….