Life goes on in spite of my willingness to accept it
Today I am grateful for a warm place to live, food in my cupboards, comfortable clothing and shelter and food for my animals from this frigid cold.
I’m halfway between what was once familiar and Lord only knows where. I stand on the tips of my toes in hopes to see glimpses, hints, the destination of what lies ahead for me. I cry for the loss of love and the love that I have yet to find. I find the temptation to reach back to the “comfort” of yesterday ironic, given that many of the things I now seek to find “comfort in were clearly unwelcomed and unpleasant. Why must change be so frightening to me? Why, when all of my life I have been given what I need, given signs leading me forward to the next adventure, the next chapter of my life, why should I doubt now?
I do not think we can live simultaneously in comfort and courage. Which shall I choose? More ironic is that which I appear to be unwelcoming now, will one day be the comfort in which I seek again! Will I chose comfort, or will I choose courage? Is there really a choice? I know the sting that comes from looking back to a reality that no longer exists.
Earlier in life I saw glimpses of what I thought would be my future, most of which came true. Earlier in life I didn’t steer clear of what I have “known” I am here to do. The older I get, the more distance I have placed between the two. Shouldn’t it be the other way? Is my learned behavior, learned fear, learned pain, blinding me, diverting me from what I know in my heart I should do? Yes, I know my life has purpose, and I am gifted with knowing what some of that is. Right now is a bit rough, as it’s reached a point where the best of intentions are no longer enough. I have never forgotten my first time on a ski trail. An adult fearful of the steep slope while youngsters, barely as tall as my thighs, flew by me, singing! They had yet to learn the dangers, the fear of the danger…they were clearly in the moment. They had yet to place and wear the exceedingly heavy backpack filled with maps, signs, insurance in case they become lost or hurt.
I feel the energy, the change of friendships, family. I both feel and see the change of what maturity has taught me. I must accept or I will be dragged. Is this really the manner in which I want to welcome my present? My tomorrows? When I have continually and timely received all that I have ever needed to move forward, my faith has been tried and true. Therefore I am asking myself, is this exhilaration that I am feeling, or tribulation?
Just as I see the branches on the trees change through the seasons, I know the existence of seasons of our lives. I’ve still the memories of what I thought, and still do, were clips, clips of my life guiding me to the next part of this journey. Why am I turning to fear, in essence placing a ball and chain on myself that could not possibly and will not stop the changing of seasons only serving to weigh me down bearing all with no protection!
I needn’t be dragged, I needn’t be afraid, I needn’t know what lies ahead, all I need to do is be willing, show up, and let the clips flow together, which will make up the film, the story of my life. I am and always have been given what I need.
Do you think I’ll be served popcorn?
Today the piece of my art I am sharing is…