With my jeans cutting at my waist, I took another bite out of the Dunkin Donuts I was eating… YES, INSANE… and thought to myself “I need to lose weight. I repeated it as I slurped it down with a Coolatta…”I need to lose weight”.
I am my own worst enemy, I think we all are. I know I would be independently wealthy if I could come up with a formula, a way to get so many of us out of the nasty cycle of “Knowing and not doing”. I get inspired or motivated for a couple days, then it disappears as the sweets pass through my digestive system.
Beating myself up doesn’t work, it only serves to rear me more poundage! I definitely have that one down. So… what? What is it going to take to stop me from eating compulsively? I have come to view addiction entirely different than I once did. I know what it is like to not be able to stop, being out of control with a substance, mine being food. Frankly, it sucks.
When I turned 50 I felt like a million bucks. I had lost weight, was exercising…at 52 I am once again fighting the battle of the bulge. I have acknowledged where I am, I’m not happy with myself, but I am also not going to make it my New Years Resolution to lose weight. It’s NOT happening. My New Years resolution may differ slightly, but it will always be “obtain and maintain peace and serenity”. Huh, I guess feeling good about my physical self certainly can play a part in that, right?
I have an eating disorder. I have had one since I was 15. I will not share the manner in which I lose control, I will however share with you the thought process that powers this. So many (too many to write), I will number them or bullet them.
1. I walk into a room and peruse the room. Am I the fattest in the room? On the plane? In a restaurant?
2. Well, maybe THESE jeans will look good on me….
3. Is this outfit thinning?
4. What am I going to eat for lunch (as I take my last bite of breakfast)?
5. Why can’t I be normal? I look at thin people and watch them, watch them eat, watch what they do… Why can’t I be one of “them”?
6. Okay, I’m going to put some Velcro on the ceiling of my bedroom , that way when I jump off the bed to fit into these jeans my hair will stick and it will remind me to eat well that day!
7. What are they thinking? How fat and unattractive I am?
8. I don’t want this person, or that person to see me, I don’t want ANYONE to see me….. isolation
9. If I lose this weight….. fill in the blanks with ANYTHING! I will feel better, I will look better, My refrigerator will smell better…. yada yada… Everything “good” is contingent on my losing weight.
10. Well, I’ve already blown in this morning, I might as well eat what I want today, tonight.
11. I can’t go here… or there…. I’ve got nothing to wear and….I don’t want anyone to see me
12. I must be premenstrual, you know, bloating (It has been 12 years since I menstruated). YES too much info….. Laugh with me
13. I’ll start tomorrow
14. Well, I didn’t get french fries with my order, I’m eating better!
15. Always looking for the magical outfit that makes me feel good about myself, makes me like how I look….
16. I need to take my scale in for an alignment…. it’s off
17. If I could eliminate the stress in my life, I would get thin
18. I use food to cope
19. I can’t help myself
20. If I can eat ___________ one more time, I’ll be happy. (Ate it everyday that week)
21. Is what I am ordering to eat suggesting to dinner guests that I overeat?
22. I don’t want to do anything today, I just want to put on my comfortable sweats and hide from the world.
23. If I have eggnog in the fridge it will help me get out of bed tomorrow morning.
24. The damn dryer…. !
25. Pretty up the face, throw on the jewelry…. I look good!
26. But my mother doesn’t make these pies often…and what if she dies and I can’t ever eat them again? Go ahead… LAUGH It is hysterical!
27. I’m just not meant to be thin
28. Thin is a four letter word
29. I can’t afford to buy healthy foods
30. “Do I look okay?”
Okay, I’m going to stop there simply because I could go on all night. I can come up with 1000 thoughts that go through my head on this topic weekly. I understand, now, the alcoholic, the drug addict, the sex addict…who cannot stop. I am a food addict.
Here are some things that I have learned this year. (Yes, this year)
1. I am ALWAYS the fattest girl in the room, on the plane, in a restaurant… because that is all I see for myself
2. There is not any pair of jeans that will make me feel thin
3. There is no outfit that will ever make me look as thin as I want to be unless I am thin wearing it!
4. I am driven by food. I live to eat, not eat to live
5. It is up to me to make choices that will help me get thin and stay thin. Sure, someone else may have the benefit of a faster metabolism but that isn’t all that keeps them healthy.
6. I weight too much for the Velcro to hold me up off the floor
7. Looking anywhere else but within myself is not going to feed my soul. It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. Someone can think I’m as wonderful as chocolate (notice the reference) but unless I feel good about myself, it means bo diddley.
8. I don’t want anyone to see me, and I don’t want to be held accountable for my choices (in food)
9. Here’s the deal…. If I make my happiness all contingent on being thin I will never find true happiness
10. Okay, so I screwed up this morning. I can get on track at lunchtime, or I can eat the thousand pounds of candy and gain more
11. I have a whole closet of clothes that I can no longer wear. I refuse to buy new clothes. I have maybe 8-10 articles of clothing I can wear right now. Perhaps this will “help motivate me”….. Please, I look to everything to motivate me…. NO! I don’t have appropriate clothes, so I cannot go!
12. Menopause….deal with it baby!
13. I will start right now. I will set a date and get excited to begin that day
14. The only thing truly healthy to eat at McDonalds, Wendy’s or Dunkin Donuts is nothing!
15. There is NO magical outfit that will make me look and FEEL the way I want to feel unless I am thin….. PERIOD!
16. I do not need to know how much I weigh, but I do need accountability. Someone ELSE weigh and measure me??????
17. Hmmm how do I eliminate stress? Divorce, murder….?
18. I may think that food helps me cope, but it doesn’t. It is a myriad. I use food to “escape”
19. I CAN help myself, I am the only one who can…. what will I do first?
20. Deprivation only leads to bingeing
21. Ummmm, I can order a salad and diet soda and it is MY WEIGHT that is going to give me away, not what I eat in front of someone!
22. I want to participate in my life, in society…
23. Eggnog WILL inspire me to get out of bed in the morning…. and go back after indulging!
24. My pants, my sleeves are shorter because I am heavier…. FACT
25. There is a difference between wearing jewelry or makeup because I like it, and wearing it to hide behind it.
26. Um…. Stocking up (in eating pies) now will not get me thin later….
27. I can be thin, I have to make changes for that to happen
28. FAT may not be a 4 letter word but it is one powerfully negative word, noun
29. I either pay now (good food) or later (doctors)
30. Of course my family and friends aren’t going to say “You look like shit, your gut is hanging over your jeans, by the way, nobody wears white socks anymore, you need a gps to find your third chin.
Humorously written, sadly true. My thoughts are consumed with food, fat. I remember when I had lost 30 lbs was on my way to being thin (which I did achieve, but didn’t maintain) I couldn’t believe how much time I had by not THINKING about or wishing I was thin! The truth is, it is very hard to motivate ourselves, to find inspiration to give up what brings us comfort, what tastes good. There is no magic pill, vitamin, outfit, one thing that we will not gain from!
I want to lose weight because my knees hurt, because I want to feel better about myself, because I want to look better, because I want to be healthier, because I love myself………………………………………………..”JUST DO IT” -Nike…….