I lost today to sleep. Not sure why I am so tired lately, I fear what it may be, perhaps why I am too chicken to go to the doctors. My body hurts. My bones hurt. Could very well be arthritis, though I have dealt with that for years and it hasn’t felt like this. I could very well be sleeping because of the pain, it is exhausting, still, I need to find my big girl panties, get my ars into the doctors. One things for sure, I never have to look really far to find someone way worse off than I am…. I will live.
Years ago I remember meeting an elderly woman (These days I categorize those 120 years old as elderly J) who shared that she had “The Big C”. It took me a few minutes to figure out what she was talking about, obviously before my family started to diminish and the diagnoses kept steadily coming. Now, I know far more than I ever wished I knew. I have said this before, and I may very well be repeating the same blog (forgive me if I am), I wouldn’t wish this journey on anyone, but I wouldn’t trade my personal growth for the world.
I have dreams that I want to fill, actually only a couple of them. I have questioned myself why I have not been actively pursuing them? Do I think that I am going to get more time by putting them off? Time waits for no one. It will certainly not wait for me. As Kramer used to say from Jerry Seinfeld show “Giddy up!”
I seem to have lost a decade of my life. I look back, I was so engrossed in the sorrow, then my own health, I cannot tell you much about it other than what I worked hard daily to accept, to walk through. Others have suggested to me that I am/was dwelling, I don’t think so. I do think I walked through hell and back and there are days when I’ve unwittingly taken an express train back there, but I don’t live there. My present is not my past. I know where that decade went, I don’t know how else to explain it. I know where I was, what I was doing, but time eluded me. All of this was all part of my life, all constituted chapters of my story, all contributed to who I am today.
A truth seeker, I never want to be “protected” or “lied to”. I do not want to miss a moment of my life including, yes, my death. I want to be aware, of course I hope it is pain free, but I want to leave this world knowing I am leaving, I want to see my life flash before my eyes as it miraculously does, and I want to feel the journey. I like being knocked out with anesthesia. I love counting backwards and boing…done! Do I think I will wake up from death? Who am I kidding? Not on this planet, but in a realm I have felt and seen glimpses of before.
20 years ago now, when Bruce Springsteen came out with a double cd hits and dvd I went into work, excited, talking about it with coworkers, they of course younger and one said to me “Yeah, my mom is excited about it too!” And so began my awareness of aging! Lately seeing things on facebook “Remember these?” things out of my childhood and some? Some out of my teens and twenties, now antiques! Yikes….
When I look back at my life it feels I have lived many lives in this one body. I need to stop looking back and chastising myself for the things, decisions I would do differently today. I think back and see the growth in myself and I sometimes cannot relate to that person I was then… all I have to say to that is “Thank God!”
Time waits for nobody. I am only fooling myself if I keep putting off what I want to get done. Perhaps there will be no tomorrow here, will I regret, too, those things that I wanted to do but didn’t pursue?
I am now past an antique (50 years and older). I would not want to go back unless I could go with the knowledge that I have now. A life not well lived? Quite the contrary. I think I have lived well, wealthy in terms of fulfillment, I have taken chances, I have pursued a career I wanted, have succeeded at what I set out to do, I have loved, I have lost, I have cried and I have danced. I have spent time alone with myself, I have spent time with loved ones and even some that I despised. I have been happy, I have been sad, I have stepped forward and back. I have found out through serious illness not only what I am made of, but who I am and today? Today? Today I like who I am. There are things about me I should again, work on improving, things that I do not like about myself, but they are few and far between. I am on the right track, I am again finding peace, acceptance with some harsh realities. No, No I wouldn’t want to go back. Perhaps because I am tired, perhaps because I don’t feel well,perhaps because I feel I have lived an honest life, perhaps because I know, I know who I am, perhaps that in itself is my purpose?… I am right where I am supposed to be.
I am right where I’m supposed to be.
So now I will return to the warmth of my bed, thank God that I was able to take care of myself today by resting, and I shall accept that I am a human being, not a human doing… I am right where I’m supposed to be………