This blog is based purely on thoughts, feelings, emotions…reflections


Seventeen years ago tonight I had an extraordinary experience that shifted the course of my life.  It is said, when you die your life flashes before your eyes, I know this to be true.  33 years of life experiences (many of which I wouldn’t give a second thought to) appeared and departed with a nimbleness I could never believably describe. Tears that were shed, bruises and scars that were hidden below flesh and bone, kind gestures, smiles and more disclosed its relevance. My life, my purpose was playing out like a movie script, each clip taking with it the heaviness that had once filled my chest until my soul was free. A peacefulness, acceptance blanketed over me, weightless, knowing. It was one of the most profound experiences of my life.

What happened that night? Roll your eyes if you must, I am hesitant to share because I never want my memory, my experience tainted. In an interview 30 years ago, Bob Dylan warned of sharing your visions, your inert knowledge with others as they will not only discourage you but also squash what you are being guided, lead to. How easily we allow others to influence us to dark shadows.

Seventeen years ago tonight a very kind, generous, caring, intelligent man came into my life. He would be the first man ever to caress my face, my hair. He would be the first man I ever allowed to look me in the eyes. No match to God, the energy that exuded from his hands was, however, positive. So there we were, two naked souls fully dressed. If I never saw him again, it wouldn’t have altered the depth of this experience. I repeat “If I never saw him again, it wouldn’t have altered the depth of this experience”. With absence of sexual play, the truth fell into the innocence of broken, busted souls. Hope… there is nothing quite like hope.

We spent many wonderful years together. We enjoyed each others company, laughed hardily, nurtured each other. No person can fill or complete another, two “halves” don’t make a whole, two wholes do.

I wish I could tell you that we lived happily ever after, that we grew old together but that wasn’t the case. I wish I could tell you that he is alive, well, and full of life. I wish, I wish, I wish. If only he would’ve placed those warm nurturing hands on himself.

Everyday I think of him. Everyday I miss him. The sadness of reality catches me off guard at times. I still sometimes shed tears, though the majority of the time now, I smile when I think of him. I can still see those big beautiful blue eyes looking back at mine, at times I feel his presence. Sometimes I need to remind myself of that powerful spiritual experience that taught me. As I cuddle up next to the fireplace, feeling the warm penetrating heat soothe my tired body, I think back on that night 17 years ago, I smile. I laugh at his antics, I smile at the memories, and I remind myself… Everything happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason………………

17 years ago ….


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