I try to be positive when I blog, a lesson that I’ve learned, if you will. There have been times when I thought what I wrote was positive only to have readers tell me differently. I think I’m a fairly deep person, and I have been transparent in my sharing. Because I share my thoughts and emotions doesn’t mean I’m at the bottom of the barrel. I happen to see it as a strength.
The past last few days have been difficult. Why? I don’t know. My therapist says that I am right where I am supposed to be…and that the work we are doing, that I am doing, is going to trigger things. I guess to hell it is. A floodgate has opened from things of my past. What little I do sleep, I am haunted by what “used to be”. I look around my house, there is evidence that those who I have loved so much and lost, existed. We’ve all heard someone say… “If only I had one more time”. If only… If only…
A friend who lost her son in a motorcycle accident a year ago, posted on facebook a pretty picture with “If only heaven had visiting hours”. I cried. Again, If only, If only.
I miss my Brody boy. I miss his companionship, his love. I loved how much he loved me, and I him. That will never go away.
I’ve been feeling pretty much like a failure lately. What was interesting to me was a friend telling me that she was a bit jealous of my talent. I haven’t really given it too much thought that I have something others would want. I don’t measure success in dollars, though I certainly wish I had more. I don’t even know tonight how I measure success. All I know is that I’m not feeling it.
It’s raining here tonight. I like it. I am thinking how wonderful it will be to hear the rain when I go to bed. Should be a good night to sleep. We’ll see. If only, If only.
Tell me I need to get over myself, tell me to stop being negative, tell me all that you think I should be doing or saying and I will tell you, I am doing my very best. Right now I am inundated with painful memories. The only way around it is through it. I am not fond of this.
I’m off to go take a long hot bath, in hopes that the warmth will comfort me internally as well. Today is a hard day, but this, too, shall pass. I am reminding myself of this as I remind myself to breathe.