Pop goes the weasel….. (again and again and again)

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Yesterday I had psychotherapy for the first time in two weeks. My therapist was out sick, and I had just cut down to one session per week…. Progress! My medications are being lowered drastically, dare I say I’m in the clear?

Have spent a lot of time lately pontificating my life, career, health, and what it is I really want. I have had bouts of incredible loneliness the past few weeks, no doubt it’s the holidays, I’ll survive. I have been successful at keeping busy, which keeps my mind busy..well, most of the time.

Yesterdays therapy session was one in which I walked away feeling totally naked, vulnerable. It was a session jam packed with self insight (the good, the bad and the ugly), and I believe we are nearing the “core” of most of my issues. It always comes back to “I am not good enough”. Sad, really. I am hardest on myself, expect perfection of myself which is impossible to live up, as I’m human, designed to err not to be perfect!

I had a male friend once say to me “for someone who fears intimacy, you sure do write very personal things on your blog”. I said “Yes, I do, I share it to help others, as I know I am not alone in my struggles. I certainly wouldn’t write about my sex life, even if I had one!” (wink) This (sharing what the average person would not) may be a floodgate. If I let out all that is going on in my life, then you are distracted and will not see me, and for a woman who thinks she is not good enough (It comes and goes…pisses me off too), I want to distract from … from what? I just don’t understand this thoroughly. Since yesterday’s session I have felt extremely vulnerable, unsteady (not unsafe), which tells me, we are on the right track. My therapist said that for four months she has been listening to me, and in the past couple three weeks, I am finally really talking. Funny, I didn’t see it that way, but yesterday’s insecure feelings surely made me consider that.

I am not lonely for friends, or things to do, but lonely for someone special in my life. It has been a very long time. Here is the oxymoron of me…What I long for most is intimacy (not referring to sex), and yet it is the very thing I fear the most. Perhaps why I have been with alcoholics. I remember when my exhusband was sobering up I was petrified that he was going to see me through sober eyes…Again, sad. I know I’m a good person with a clean heart. I know I’m fun to be around, I know I am loved, well loved…why do I continually find myself revisiting my not feeling “good enough”. Am I alone here? Am I majorly screwed up or is this a “normal” feeling. Anyway…it sure is interesting, and I can’t seem to quiet my mind as so much is surfacing, thus I am feeling overwhelmed. Things I should have done Monday I have yet to do…

Well, I’m off to do a kiddo run for my girlfriend, I am certain I will not be wearing shorts outside! Hope you are having a wonderful day…. xx

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About anartistslife

Through the many trials, triumphs and tribulations of my life, I share my stories to help others. I share my thoughts to perhaps bring a new point of view to my readers, and I share my opinions because I just have better ideas! ♥♥! Where would we be without humor?

One response »

  1. Donna-Have never ‘blogged’ before, but felt compelled to let you know how much joy you bring to others thru your art. I just finally finished my version of ‘Cheryl’s Kitchen’ (reasonable facsimilie) painted on old cutting board which I will attempt to sell in my booth at antique mall. I am a widow for a year now after nealy 50 years of marriage and my painting & sewing/quilting give me a continued purpose in life. In my 68 years (tomorrow) I have experienced pretty much the full spectrum of grief, loss, sorrow & joy. I learned a lesson nearly twenty years ago that is helping me thru this period of loss & loneliness. I was paralyzed from the neck down for nearly a year after a bout of Guaillain-Barre syndrome. I learned to enjoy and appreciate each precious day after being so close to having no more days. I include you in my prayers tonight and hope you find some peace, joy and even a new special someone to share your life with. I will be spending my birthday tomorrow going to lunch w/my son, daughter-in-law and the older than I am male friend my son is bringing to meet me. I too feel scared, old, inadequate, wrinkled, etc. etc. but tomorrow is a precious gift and I am thankful and will find joy in it. You are obviously a beautiful & talented woman inside & out-I am familiar with the struggle for perfection-it is a curse-Saggitarean trait?? Hang in there-just keep walking-remember it’s not the destination but the journey that counts.

    Thanks for sharing your talent-my best to you.

    Sincerely-
    sj

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