Yesterday I had psychotherapy for the first time in two weeks. My therapist was out sick, and I had just cut down to one session per week…. Progress! My medications are being lowered drastically, dare I say I’m in the clear?
Have spent a lot of time lately pontificating my life, career, health, and what it is I really want. I have had bouts of incredible loneliness the past few weeks, no doubt it’s the holidays, I’ll survive. I have been successful at keeping busy, which keeps my mind busy..well, most of the time.
Yesterdays therapy session was one in which I walked away feeling totally naked, vulnerable. It was a session jam packed with self insight (the good, the bad and the ugly), and I believe we are nearing the “core” of most of my issues. It always comes back to “I am not good enough”. Sad, really. I am hardest on myself, expect perfection of myself which is impossible to live up, as I’m human, designed to err not to be perfect!
I had a male friend once say to me “for someone who fears intimacy, you sure do write very personal things on your blog”. I said “Yes, I do, I share it to help others, as I know I am not alone in my struggles. I certainly wouldn’t write about my sex life, even if I had one!” (wink) This (sharing what the average person would not) may be a floodgate. If I let out all that is going on in my life, then you are distracted and will not see me, and for a woman who thinks she is not good enough (It comes and goes…pisses me off too), I want to distract from … from what? I just don’t understand this thoroughly. Since yesterday’s session I have felt extremely vulnerable, unsteady (not unsafe), which tells me, we are on the right track. My therapist said that for four months she has been listening to me, and in the past couple three weeks, I am finally really talking. Funny, I didn’t see it that way, but yesterday’s insecure feelings surely made me consider that.
I am not lonely for friends, or things to do, but lonely for someone special in my life. It has been a very long time. Here is the oxymoron of me…What I long for most is intimacy (not referring to sex), and yet it is the very thing I fear the most. Perhaps why I have been with alcoholics. I remember when my exhusband was sobering up I was petrified that he was going to see me through sober eyes…Again, sad. I know I’m a good person with a clean heart. I know I’m fun to be around, I know I am loved, well loved…why do I continually find myself revisiting my not feeling “good enough”. Am I alone here? Am I majorly screwed up or is this a “normal” feeling. Anyway…it sure is interesting, and I can’t seem to quiet my mind as so much is surfacing, thus I am feeling overwhelmed. Things I should have done Monday I have yet to do…
Well, I’m off to do a kiddo run for my girlfriend, I am certain I will not be wearing shorts outside! Hope you are having a wonderful day…. xx