Here we are, come full circle again, in a rut of pain. This is the same gut wrenching debilitating pain that you dealt with when you were 18 or 19 and was stood up for a date. I always go back to this place. I bring you to a place of darkness and despair.
I have told you continually that you aren’t good enough. If not by mouth behind harsh jokes and disrespect, then by my actions, behaviors. I have told you that you don’t fit, and I have tried placing you in so many different holes, when in fact if I had just dug a hole and made a home for you, it could have saved you so much pain.
I have abused your body, not fully taken care of it. Disrespecting you, again.
I have made you feel more insecure by changing who you are when you get into a partner/love relationship. This further hurts your esteem, and sends the message from self that I surely AM NOT good enough, because why would you need to change for someone???
I have held onto fear, and tried to recapture my fathers love to prove that I am loveable time and time again. On a couple occasions, I did find you love. Someone who was willing to be patient and walk thru the past, cleaning it up with the now, the future. Though regrettably, the disease of alcoholism took him from us. I put you thru 2 years of hell that I shouldn’t have… I didn’t want to give up on him… and in doing this, I gave up on you. I have held onto the past so tight that I suffocated today and made tomorrow lifeless. All out of fear. Fear that I will find myself in another relationship that will bring me back to the darkness, to the pain of being alone while with someone, remembering, forcing myself to remember..I would rather be alone in loneliness than with someone feeling lonely. My involvement with emotionally unavailable people was my own insecurity and low self esteem… how that must have hurt you. So now, I choose to stay alone to avoid the same mistakes.
I hide you from people who love you and want to spend time with you. I keep you away from developing new friendships, relationships. And if by chance I do allow someone to get close to you, I sabotage the relationship….
By not taking care of my body and watching what I eat, I have placed you further into low esteem and worth. Because of this I do not allow you to have fun, or to wear the clothes that you long to wear, and to be free of the Achilles heel of what this does. I allowed you to be aligned spiritually, physically, mentally for only a few months. . . A few months out of 50 years.
At one time I did allow your creativity to shine thru. From this time I learned that you are a very gifted soul. You see things differently than others, and your hands and eyes are able to create paintings and designs that bring much joy to others. Lately I have been denying you this. I have been punishing you for your desire to spend time with someone, someone to hold your hand, touch your face, someone to look into their eyes and see life beyond the deep and dark forest I see. Someone to share my days and particularly my nights with, someone to call during the day to say “Hey, I’m thinking of you.. I love you”. I take you down, I fill your mind with scenerios and replays, allowing obsessions of yesteryears to take over that beautiful mind.
The state of finances by staying in an industry and job that pays little, though I believe I am being true to myself, my talents. But this just keeps you in constant fight/flight. Food/clothing/shelter have been dangerously close to extinction. . I have put you in harms way, traveling many miles during treacherous weather, not paying attention to your basic needs of rest to pay the mortgage, the bills. This may be partly why I change you when in a relationship. I don’t want them to know who I really am, because then they will leave.
I am so very sorry for all of this. I am so very sorry that I made you feel less than, or trampled on your self worth and self esteem. I’m sorry that I abandoned you time and time again. I know you are afraid, I know you aren’t perfect, and that you have scars from all of this and more… I cannot take them away, or change what I did to you over the last three or four decades. I can only accept that this is where we are right now, and do my best to not follow these same roads/paths again.
I would really like to see you flourish, to see you blossom from the person I haven’t been allowing you to be. I would love for you to find peace, and acceptance… and then take my hand and start a new life together. A life that I promise to cherish you, to love you, to take care of you. I don’t know how to do this, but I will learn. And there will be days that I may revert back to old ways, but I will listen to you… I will not abandon what you tell me, or how you feel.
I do love you, and I do think that you are beautiful, and intelligent, and kind, and funny. I do think you have so much to offer this world, and I believe that you were put here to help others, via writing perhaps… You are unique, you are loveable, and you deserve to be treated as such, from others and from me.
Forgive me…. Forgive me… I know not what I do…. But I am working on changing what I can.