Viva Viagra

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If you are looking for chipper and happy, hit the red x button on top right. I am not that today, in fact I am very sad.

My intuition is telling me someone I love is very ill. I am over tired, albeit overly sensitive, thinking about my life and where it is and isn’t going.

Typically coming back from a convention I am pumped and inspired, and I was yesterday in the few minutes I was awake. Today a sadness looms that is sitting heavy on my chest. I just realized why.

Letting go of the past and people from our past seems easy for some to do, but for me, NOT. There really isn’t much I am afraid of in life, I’ve been through and survived enough that I know I will be taken care of, but not in the way I want to be.

I see hundreds of women each year. Women need other women in their life just as I’m sure men need male friends. What goes on in my classroom stays in my classroom, as the conversations range from very intense and serious to silly and fun. I remember one conversation in which a few students were talking about their disappointment with Viagra. Why? Not because it was to help men achieve longer and pleasurable erections, but because at the time of their lives when sex just isn’t very important to women of advanced ages, science comes up with a way to keep it going. I think sex makes us all feel better, but my experience in sharing with other women is, cuddling, quality time spent together, etc far outweigh a really active sex life prompted by viagra!

How important is sex to a woman? Pffft. To me there is nothing anymore precious than falling to sleep in the arms of someone you love and waking up to them. Intimacy isn’t sexual, though many women like myself, can not or are not good at casual sex. It just isn’t worth the games it plays in this complicated head of mine. Anyone can have sex, but can you tell someone you love them? Can you stand up to your word and love each other, in sickness and in health through the tribulations and triumphs of life?

It really isn’t sex that I miss, as I sort through my loneliness, though I miss human touch. I miss eye contact, kissing, cuddling, holding hands. I miss being part of something really special. I haven’t had too many “special” relationships in my life, my relationship history is one of physical and verbal abuse. My last relationship which ended almost 8 years ago now, deteriorated in the last six months. What we had before that, while imperfect, was nice. Sometimes I wonder, what does a man think (if anything) during sex? If I’m overweight at the time I’m thinking about that, feeling bad about myself and wanting to hide. Sad but true. I always had a strong libido, but now, pffft. Who cares? I guess that happens when you’ve had all your female parts removed. 😦

Today I am painfully aware of Brody’s aging and physical digression. I see my parents aging, hard of hearing, difficulty walking. I can’t seem to get beyond the realization that all of us are going to die, and I’m not looking forward to the death of a parent or any of my animals who are reaching the age near life expectancy is close. I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid of being left behind with the feelings of loss that I cannot seem to get past in the shorter period of time most can. I cling, hold, hurt, it becomes all encompassing, a part of me that I drag behind, or place in front of me, tripping over constantly.

The answer, of course, is to live in the moment, in the present. Tomorrow isn’t known for any of us. As two friend’s have told me that the last thing they expected to happen in their life was love, it was a welcomed and warm surprise in their late 50’s and 60’s.

What is in store for me? Will I be pleasantly surprised by falling in love with someone and sharing my life with them? Will I be alone in dealing with future losses? Life as a single person has its perks, but it also has it’s hardships. Loneliness is one of the difficulties, and while that can be filled with friends and hobbies, that “special someone” in your life can not be filled by either.

I am tired, in need of a nap. I hope this blog wasn’t as depressing as I think it was, and if it was, hopefully the next will make up for it.

Hope you are enjoying your day, and that your day is filled with the making of wonderful memories for one and all…… xx

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About anartistslife

Through the many trials, triumphs and tribulations of my life, I share my stories to help others. I share my thoughts to perhaps bring a new point of view to my readers, and I share my opinions because I just have better ideas! ♥♥! Where would we be without humor?

One response »

  1. being a woman with libido has little to do with parts. Yet, I remember those exact feelings I had in my 20’s after surgery. Part of the issue is where do we place our identity. Are we our bodies or are we spirit inhabiting a body?

    While the desire and ability to procreate does lessen, the desire for touch, intimacy, and oneness persists. You are more than your body.

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