This morning I woke up with a heavy chest filled with anxiety and dread. I so despise that. I am working hard on getting done things that need to get done, and focusing on breathing. I forget to breathe! I hold my breath when I am stressed. Do you know that if you are getting, say a cortisone shot, if you actually breathe while it is being done you will feel less pain?
God has granted us with beautiful fall weather. I love it. Brody is excited, you can tell he feels better in the cooler weather, and Lilly? Well, she is bored, and looking for some excitement. She has been barking at birds and butterflies.
I am learning all about boundaries, setting them, that is. Not with just others in my life but within myself. I have a choice as to where I allow my brain to go. If I want to reminisce about those I have loved and lost, I can do so, but if I am already anxious, or sad, it would serve me better to stay in the moment, and not look back. I used to think of this as “forgetting” the person. It is not. It is simply taking care of myself, getting a handle on my emotions. If I live in the past, it is far too difficult to be happy, serene and bolster peace. When I am feeling strong, I can then allow myself to reminisce. I suppose this is something most people learned early on, but not me. If I was to describe the state of my emotions over the past few years in picture form, it would be one of those, hmm, can’t remember what they are called. Like a dandelion but all white, transparent with seeds. As a kid (okay okay I have also done this as an adult) I used to blow them and watch the petals go all over the place. That is how I have lived, and how I have handled my emotions, setting no boundaries for myself, allowing others to push my buttons, allowing others control of them, and worse, allowing myself to sabotage a day that could be one filled with laughter and peace. I sometimes feel emotionally retarded, so unstabile. Yet I have to also remind myself the sensitivity of being an arteest and a highly sensitive person. Breathe Donna, breathe! Besides that, when you take a deep breath in it pulls your stomach in and pushes your breasts out!
Sleep is a problem again, I am having an awful time with my hands. I wake up, because they are numb, and they hurt. Now doesn’t that sound like an oximoron? I shake them, I move them, I do everything I can to get the pain to stop, it is keeping me up at night. I have an appointment with my PCP on Wednesday, no doubt we will be discussing this.
Tomorrow is my 6 month (3 months late) checkup with my oncologist in Boston. I think this mornings anxiety and dread are related to that. I’m hoping to be able to visit with my friend Michael, when I’m down there. I have a 3pm appointment, which means hell coming out of it. It would be nice to have dinner and catch up, and allow the rush hour to pass before I venture home. I’m also a bit nervous because last time they found high liver counts, and am hoping they are within normal range this time.
I have been enjoying time with girlfriends. I have been working on projects at home. I started sewing again, but I get so easily frustrated that I cannot figure out basic measurements. I used to design sweaters, for goodness sakes, how difficult can a shower curtain be? Nonetheless, I am doing my best, and that is all I can ask of myself.
Well, I’m off to see the Wizard…the wonderful Wizard of Oz. I am hoping he can give me a new central nervous system, one that isn’t wrapped so tightly! 🙂
Hope you have a wonderful day and are enjoying the same picturesque weather that we are here in the beautiful State of Vermont/