I am having problems doing the simplest of tasks. If you were to walk in my house right now you would say “Wow, what a mess”… Why? Because it is, and it reflects how my brain is working right now. As Jack Nicholson said in the movie “As Good as it Gets”…..”I hate it, hate it…. I’m using the word hate here”. I cannot get my mind to focus on one task, it is as if a million thoughts are coming into my mind all at once. My therapist described it as exhaustion. She said “Remember when you were a little kid and the more tired you got the faster thoughts run through your head?” Well, I did get some rest this weekend, but that isn’t helping the overwhelming feeling I have of what I have not been able to do or accomplish.
I wrenched my back, it hurts like hell. With the fibromyalgia I have walked a tightrope for years, add anything else to the mix and I can’t take it. Now, combined with depression, for which I am told “I’m not out of the woods yet, be patient with myself”….I have good days, I have bad days. Today has started out to be a bad day pain wise, though I am going to do my best, as I do everyday, to be positive, be peaceful, be serene.
Every room in my house is in an uproar, except for the bathroom, that is waiting for me to design and put up a shower curtain and window curtain. I so want to start this, but I have important things I need to get done first…and I can’t stand the disorganization…but again, its caused by the way I am thinking. I start on something, get interrupted with something else, and so on and so on. This morning I’m near tears, then I reminded myself to breathe, to put one foot in front of the other and focus on one task to completion.
The weather is condusive to working inside today, dark, dreary…These days I typically love as much as I do a sunshiny cool day, as it usually calms me, and I’m able to work on projects that I really want to do.
Yesterday I met someone, another artist, who I believe is going to help me change my life, guide me through the fog and determine what it is I want and need to do, or am supposed to be doing. The moment I met her I knew we were going to be friends.
So I’m off to work on one task, to which I hope I will be successful…I am not unsafe, I am bewildered and overwhelmed and would appreciate any prayers or good thoughts sent out to the universe for me………….have a good day