I have eaten so much I feel like a stuffed sausage link. Looking forward to getting home and eating regularly, losing this “fluff” quickly. It feels uncomfortable and affects how I feel about myself.
Today (now yesterday!)I taught my 3rd and final class. It wasn’t until the final class that I felt I was in my “element”, and by the end of the class I was so tired, I called my mom in tears….tears of triumph…..”I did it, I did it”. “Donna, I am very proud of you, I know how hard this was for you, but yes, you DID do it”. An hour later I was at a pub having dinner with my friend Marcia, Marcia Marcia. Though I should have passed on the bread and butter, I didn’t, though had a delicious salad packed with cranberries and pecans…. delicious! All defenses are down from complete exhaustion, high pain levels. I let the tears run down my cheeks as I shared with her the losses I have experienced in the past couple of months: My sister, my friend (guy I dated and was still friends with), Ron, and Ralph, one of the nicest people I have ever met in my life. Tears of sadness, tears of bewilderment, tears of exhaustion, and also tears of laughter. Just call me one big bawl baby.
It was something that helped, though my nose glowed like Rudoulph and my throat, already scratchy began to really hurt. I also lost a friend of 7 years, not to death, but to hostility and what I believe to be jealousy. If you don’t like your own life, change it! No one else can get you through it, and when you are walking through hell you just keep walking because eventually, it will pass and bright sun will replace the darkness and you will have made it to the other side. No one can change your life except for you. Swimming in self pity, something we all do on occasion and will do again, can be like a vortex, sucking any energy out of you, and keeping you from getting to the other side which, though your circumstances may not change, surely your perspective does!
I have gained some self confidence back. In yesterdays class of 35 students, you could hear the quivering in my voice as I started to teach. Where is my self confidence? Where is my cockiness that comes through as I perform one of my favorite gifts….teaching.
As I lay here with my legs up on pillows to help with the pain, something I have done after every class this week, with my head leaning against the headboard against a very soft fluffy pillow, I can breathe, I can relax, I can unwind, and hopefully I can get rid of this sore throat!
There have been many laughs over the past few days. I have enjoyed the “painting buzz” and walked the trade show floor today. I was so happy to meet a couple of women who introduced themselves, are on my facebook and follow my blog. Thank you! It was a pleasure to meet you. Tomorrow (today) I have a few items to pick up, it will save on shipping, then Saturday morning…as I hum the tune from Simon & Garfunkel we will be “Homeward bound”. Girl time has been wonderful, but this is no vacation. Everyone works very very hard at conventions, even students. We push ourselves to the max, and while done with laughter, we pay the price at night as we hobble over to our bed…and it is worth all of it!
Tonight I am so grateful for all of my students who, when I could not remember what I had just said, gently reminded me. Everyone was wonderful and some shared crazy stories of their own “getting old and senile” stuff, though no one admitting one quite as crazy as my hearing “tangled up in blues” muffled, as i looked for my cell phone just days before I left and ended up finding it in my refrigerator! I say that today with a smile on my face and victory in my words.
Once again I was given what I needed to walk through the difficulties and felt proud of myself as I passed through the finish line. Thank you, God, and thank you all for your prayers and good wishes….I send them back to you with a huge bear hug.
Sending much love and wishes for you to have a fantastic day……. Donna