My body has seized again. Up all night with burning sensations in my hands and feet, then the feeling of pins and needles…I was supposed to have pt & ot today but cancelled, I’m not venturing far from my bed or the safety of my home. I may go out for a ride with my mom driving, we’ll see.
In the blink of an eye my life is passing before me . On this day I may bitch and moan about the things I don’t have, how crappy I feel, things not going my way, but to me these are all luxury problems. At the moment I know of two families who are mourning the unexpected deaths of loved ones, very young loved ones. This is real life drama. This is where my prayers and thoughts need to go, not on myself or the trivial things that will eventually (if I am willing to let go to God or a higher power of your understanding) mend itself.
Life dishes out so much drama, sometimes back to back. Yesterday I had a pleasurable (always) visit with my friend Judy. We discussed life, the events that happen that change us, and how without faith, where would we be? I don’t know. Even at my darkest hours I have believed in God, and while my faith didn’t or couldn’t pull me out of a deep depression, I still knew there was a higher power out there. I cannot imagine my life without faith and belief in God, in a holy creator. I shudder to think of where I would be now without such. My cousin, sort of a spiritual mentor for me, once posted “He’d rather live his life believing in God, then finding out at the end there was none then visa versa” or something very close to this. This I have always held near and dear to my heart. With faith I am able to smile again, to move on quicker after emotional and physical lows. I am able to put things in perspective and be grateful for all that I do have, knowing that some people’s basic needs are threatened or non existent. I too, would rather live my life believing in God, even if finding out at the end there was no God…because my life is such a better quality, I am able to deal with what is tossed in front of me, sometimes begrudgingly, sometimes maddened by the difficulties… but I do heal, and the birds still sing in the morning, the sun still rises and sets, and if I’m willing to keep an open mind, I see beauty all around me, albeit sometimes its much easier to find beauty in nature than in human beings, there still is beauty around us.
When someone hurts me, I have the opportunity, the choice to decide whether to let this go, or whether to pick it up, examine and re-examine over and over, causing myself more and unnecessary pain and disruption everytime I do so, or I can just let it go. Do I always need to be right? Do I always have all the answers to the questions and challenges of the world? Do I have the right to tell another person what is right or wrong for them when sometimes I can’t even figure out what is right for myself?
I have the opportunity to turn my cheek to where evil reins and focus instead, on the positive, on the sun shining down on us, or watch a small child innocently (hopefully) and trustingly take their first walk, say their first words, or “out of the mouth of babes” speak truths that they have yet to learn to censor or decipher differently. I can walk outside at night and look at the stars, the moon, feel the evening air and breathe it in, versus staying inside, looking outside at the moon through a window and curtain sheer, while that may still be beautiful why not go the extra steps? the extra distance? Then I shall see it all clearly.
With all of that said, now I will head back to sleep in hopes that when I wake up I will feel a tad if not a whole lot better. I will do so with gratitude that just for this day, I still have the safety of my own little humble abode and all my furry little children to love me unconditionally, and I have the hope that whether its tomorrow or 2 hours from now, I will once again feel better again. That is so much more than some people have.
Gratitude. I believe that the attitude of gratitude can change of perspective, even if our situations do not change. What are you grateful for today?