Perhaps it started with the weather, cloudy, gloomy and the like. Perhaps it started after I woke up from having dreams of people with whom I’d rather not even think about. Perhaps it is the normal ebb and flow of life, or one of the waves of recovery from a deep depression…Whatever it is, it’s been a difficult day with an abundance of tears. You know those days of tears when you cry not only for yourself, but the starving children around the world, the cruelty of animals, and …
I have had so many doctor’s, therapy appointments this week that I’ve lost track. I think I missed an important meeting today re: my mortgage, but I cannot, for the life of me, find the paperwork.
This afternoon on my way to physical therapy I wore sunglasses to cover my puffy sore eyes. Once at p.t. I incorrectly thought I could do this without breaking down in tears. My p.t. asked me if I was receiving help to deal with all that I’m dealing with… yes, yes, yes. What am I dealing with? Is it anymore than anyone else? Is it that I’m just not fit to handle what life has to offer?
Driving today I was talking with God, praying for knowledge of his will for me and the courage to carry that out. I shared that I’m not sure if I could trust Him, but I seemed to have made a disaster out of my life. So I turned my life over to the care of God, and since a few minutes before that, have been crying whenever awake.
I visited with a girlfriend for an hour, and then was so tired I came home. That is when I crawled into bed, and fell fast asleep for 5 hours. I am reminding myself of HALT – Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired…. today I had all four. I am grateful for the peaceful rest I got, and look forward to my nightly medications to kick in and help me drift off to never never land again.
I am also reminded of what my Psychiatrist and Therapist (phD) warned me of. Just because I had a few good days doesn’t mean I am “healed”… it’s going to take time, and a lot of work in which tonight I feel I do not have the strength to handle anything. Perhaps these tears are a cleansing, a release, and tomorrow I will wake up feeling much better, relieved and have some of my fighting strong spirit shine thru.
On a bright note, the one thing that made me smile today was a gift from my dear friend Patti from Long Island. It is this beautiful tye dye fleece blanket she made. It still makes me smile thinking of it, and its downstairs. It’s funny, it’s ironic…for me its about the little simple acts that people do for me, and what I do for other people. I need not any big fancy car, or have the best looking yard in the neighborhood. I need not material things to make me happy, though I enjoy nice things and like my home to reflect who I am….
Who am I anyway? I’m a struggling artist, going thru the motions of life solo. Some days are easier than others. Today has just been a hard day. I have turned it over to God, now… if I only trusted him. For this single day, I don’t feel confident in his desire to change things. You know what the one thing that would make me happy is? It is that my life will be easier, I won’t have to fight so much to keep things going. I am so tired, I’m going to go to sleep.
My apologies that this is a sad blog, and for me, a sad day. What if this is as good as it gets?