Today started out early, my mom and I headed to W. Springfield, MA to pick up some things I needed to complete a project that I was asked to do, and also to mail out another project that will bring a smile to the beautiful face of my 84 year old friend. It felt good to do these things, though focus was difficult. My mom kept steering me back to the subject at hand, which helped.
Tomorrow there will be a memorial at Monadnock Developmental Services, the agency that took care of my sister for many many years. I lose strength everytime I hear or think of it, actually, I cry. I was up and down, all around on my decision when the phone rang, I had forgotten about an appointment with my rhuematologist. When Karen took ill, I blew off my oncology appointment in Boston, which I’ve yet to reschedule.
I am doing the work, I am trying, I am getting out of bed early, I am slowly but surely making strides, but inside I still feel broken. I have already crawled into bed, I’ve had enough of today. I don’t know what I wish for anymore, just peace.
On a funnier note, if you’re on my facebook you know that my 12 year old australian shepherd jumps into either my or usually my motherrs car, and won’t get out. Now, he can be a tad nasty, like biting! He’s still mostly happy, just ornary and I believe feeling the right to do whatever he pleases. It usually takes a couple, three trips around the block, but now he’s upped the ante. My mom and I laughed as we discussed getting a cow prod, because after he finally gets out of the car, he refuses to come into the house. I said to my mother when we were heading out to springfield (and the dogs jumped in and went with us)… “Pretty soon one of us will be driving and the other sitting in the back while Brody takes over front passenger.” I’m serious. We are beginning to have a hard time with him jumping into the back… he THINKS the passenger seat was made for him.
I hope you all rest, peacefully, and have sweet dreams, and I hope the same for me. Last night I had nightmares every couple of hours. I feel like such a piece of crap tonight, and have treated myself like I am…. I hope tomorrow is better.