Broken

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Thinking back on these nasty comments this woman wrote a couple years ago about “Honestly, don’t you get sick of hearing yourself whine?”   It hurt, because I was just sharing what was happening in my life and what I felt about it.  It is the same as now.   I am broken.    There has been family things that I have not shared, out of respect for my family, that have been very hurtful to me.   This depression is by far the worst I have had, and it doesn’t appear to be going away, but of course perhaps my sisters unexpected passing has complicated the healing of that.

My body hurts constantly, my focus and attention, concentration exist no longer, and I am questioning my purpose, the point of life.  Yes, I said it.   I am not seeking attention as have been suggested, I share my blogs to help others, but it seems lately I can’t even help myself.  I am broken.

I am attending Coping Skiills Group today followed by Overeaters Anonymous (so much for my anonymity) plus have psycho therapy tomorrow with my therapist.

I think about a very young and beautiful girl who last year, took her own life at the young age of 17 or 18.   It was a travesty, a tragedy.   How could she not see how beautiful she was inside and out?  How could she not understand that things pass, it is always darkest before the dawn?   I was shaken by this for months, I guess because suicide has always been an option in my life, it has always been an “out” if things got so bad.   Now I wonder, am I her?  I am unable to see what good I am offering the world, I am unable to deal with the greed and cruelty of others, I am unable to see the light, even though at 50 years old, I know it will show its brightness again.

I have so much guilt inside of me, and sadness.   I am angry, I am hurt, I am broken.  And yet, no matter what happens or doesn’t happen in my life, the sun will shine tomorrow, the birds will chirp, and life will go on.  That’s what you are supposed to do after someone dies, right?  Just go on.

I feel like a burden to my family, to my friends, and probably all of you are sick and fuckin tired of hearing me moan and groan about the difficulties in my life, and yet my writing is my saving grace.

I am in darkness again, heaved up in a corner with hands over my eyes in case something else is coming my way.  I have been sleeping my days away, not wanting to deal with the intense pain I am feeling emotionally.  I am retarded, immature in my ability to move on, in my ability to control my emotions.  I concede with what I’ve been told my entire freaking life, I am too sensitive.

And now I shall shower, and go to meetings that will hopefully help me out of the darkness, that is unless they come take me away in a straight jacket beforehand.  I am broken, and I’m so freaking sick of it.

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About anartistslife

Through the many trials, triumphs and tribulations of my life, I share my stories to help others. I share my thoughts to perhaps bring a new point of view to my readers, and I share my opinions because I just have better ideas! ♥♥! Where would we be without humor?

6 responses »

  1. Hey pretty girl,
    It must be very difficult to be going through all of this by yourself…
    I know you are still mourning over your sister.. Remember she is with Jesus now and has no more pain nor does she remember any of this.all that she had endured while on this earth…
    Listen to your heart for the ones you love, that have gone on. For they will talk to you and it is through the heart that they will come.. Even if it is a scent,a passing breeze.a feather on the ground or a whisper of silence. When this happens the angels have just passed through you did you feel the cool breeze or the sweet aroma they will guide you and keep you safe.. I want you to know I am here for you.. Keep the faith..Believe!!!!! Love ya oxxoxoxoxoxoxo
    Sandi

  2. Donna,
    I’ve read your blog and my heart is heavy hearing your sadness. I’ll I can offer you are my prayers that you are able to dig deep within and see all the goodness you bring to others.
    Mary

  3. Donna,
    You are not “broken”, but with everything I know about the Lord Jesus, you may get down to where you think you are… Look up for your redemption draws near. There is an old saying, when we are down to nothing, GOD is up to something…..
    You are good, you are beautiful, you are special, you are worthy in every way to be loved…and you are…
    Chris

  4. Donna,
    I wish there was something I could do to make things better for you….to take away your pain. You will stay in my thoughts and prayers,
    Hugs,
    Stephanie

  5. Okay, Donna, I’m here to help. You need to reframe your story of yourself and your family.
    1. Read this book immediately: “Healing the Mind through the Power of Story: The Promise of Narrative Psychiatry” by Lewis Mehl-Madrona, MD,PhD.
    2. I’m going to send you some lists I have developed.
    3. Life is a spiral affair. Some emotions we spiral in and out of until we create a new story.
    4. Most healing happens where maybe you have yet to look: Look outside the box.

  6. This journey seems long, I envy that you can put your feelings into words and you know where you are at, there is power in knowing, some feel lost and do not have the insight that you have to your heart and your mind, you can fix what one knows is wrong, your half way there.You are loved and are stronger than you know,god is walking with you,

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