I wish I could tell you I’m doing well, as I don’t feel like I am. I wish I could tell you that I’m finding peace, feeling stronger, that my depression is lifting, as I don’t feel like it is. I wish I could come up with positive things to write about, as I’m sick of hearing myself so I can only imagine how the rest of you feel listening to me.
Earlier yesterday I went to the bank, then to the grocery store, I couldn’t remember going to the bank so I was confused as to how I was going to pay for groceries…I had one other errand, but I can’t remember what it was. Upon arriving home I crawled back into bed, this was probably 10ish. At 5pm I remembered that the groceries were still in the car, still unable to drag my sorry ass out of bed, I texted my nephew to please take care of them when he got home, which he did. He’s very good like that.
I’m ignoring phone calls, not answering the door, I am isolating. The hospital has been calling to set up (again) a CT scan of my spine. I finally scheduled it and the electrical storm they had last week knocked the machine out of calibration so it was cancelled… you didn’t hear any complaints from me! I’m past due on my colonoscopy, second notice came in the mail….I, like my sister, are polyp queens. My mother is prepping for hers today, which is down right scary considering she had advanced colon cancer years ago. I just can’t deal right now. I can’t deal with this, nor am I dealing with life too well. The only thing I’m looking forward to with the colonoscopy is how skinny I’ll feel after prep, and of course the drugs they give you, they rock.
I started to watch On Demand “The Big C” on Showtime, about a woman who has cancer and doesn’t tell anyone for a while. I’m into Season 2 now. I am shaking my head at my inability to be kind to myself right now. When Darlene was dying of ovarian cancer I watched “Wit”…. starring Emma Thompson, about a college professor dying of ovarian cancer. What the hell is wrong with me? It is as if I have something to prove to myself… that I AM strong and not this mousy complainer that I feel like, so I make myself endure things that are agonizing as proof that I am strong. The word that comes to mind is idiot.
The television has been on since the wee hours of the morning when I couldn’t sleep, I would say that’s what happens when you stay in bed all day the day before. I just glanced up and wondered how long it has been on a spanish speaking channel. The only word I know is casa and Ola.
High anxiety right now. I was granted orders from my psychiatrist last week (or was it the week before) to double up on my anxiety meds…fun fun fun.
Did I tell you I’m a bit competitive when it comes to myself? I want to beat yesterday’s sleep-a-thon…
I did reach out to a friend last night, one whom I just have to call and she takes over, I needn’t fill her in on how I’m feeling or what is going on, she just talks to me, fills me with energy and love and whatever else I need.
Well I’m off, to do what yet, I know not. Do I have it in me to fight the pillows off? I apologize to you for such a rank, sad, and hopeless sounding blog. It is my hope by sharing this, that it will kick my ass into action to do something more.
I miss Donna. I miss me. I miss belly laughs and humor, smiling, I miss laughing and seeing the beauty in the flight of a mere butterfly.