It is that time of the week to fill my medication tray. I begrudgingly filled the four slots per day with an array of size, shape, and color pills. It is frightening to do and see this. In the back of my mind I wonder, good grief, this is the size of a suitcase, will I be charged for extra baggage when traveling by air? I am resisting the thoughts that make me want to stop taking them. There are so many pros to stopping, but then I think about the wretched edge I have been living for the past few months, I take in some deep breaths and think about the progress I’ve made, and how peaceful I have felt the past couple of days….
I have been on antidepressants since my early 20’s. What happens is a medication will work, and then my body becomes immune to it and we start all over again. Yesterday I spoke about the circles of life, it is now a very large circle for me with meds. One medication I was on 20 years ago that stopped working apparently is helping me (with my doctors help) find a level of quality life again. Thinking about what a very intelligent, skilled psychiatrist said to me when I was inpatient “You are not a depressed person, you are a person who struggles (and will) with depression”.
Today I am having lunch with a new friend who has too, been through hell. I am bringing with me three gifts from the talent that God has given me. One being finding four leaf clovers! I am digging up a bunch that has a four leaf clover in it, for him to find. I smile.
Tears fall down my cheeks as I am writing this. I am smiling, I am happy, I am grateful. I am in tune with nature again, aligned with peace. All the pain, the hurt, the anguish that consumed me and wanted my life, today have their place on a shelf in my heart. These will never go away, but they do not have to control me, and Just for Today they do not. What a gift. Happy tears…happy dance.
My situation(s) haven’t changed, but my perspective has. Thank God!
I am walking taller, expanding my torso to take in more of the fresh air, and claim my spot in the world. I am deserving, I am willing.
Today I am thinking about all the different fibers and textures that make up the mosaic of our lives. Some with rougher edges, some polished and pristine. As an artist I am so grateful for the ability to see and feel these things, to distinguish the difference and Just for Today understand, it is not one, but all that make up the story of my life…and I have a story to tell!
Have a blessed day. I love you all. xx