I had a really good day a couple of days ago. I felt energized, happy, and strong. It didn’t last long, or at least tonight I am not feeling that way. I am scared.
Have you ever stood outside and forgotten which season has just passed and which is coming? I stood outside the other day and believed that snow would be coming soon. Then a few minutes later when I “get it together” I become fear filled that I’m losing my mind. Spring and summer are coming, not winter.
Family shit isn’t helping. I have constant thoughts of Jim, dreams of him. My gawd, we haven’t been together in 7 years…why is this happening? Am I just missing him? Or missing having someone in my life that is strong and that I could lean on? Someone who would “protect” me from the coldness and actions of others, someone who would “protect” me from myself. This is not to suggest I didn’t offer love and support back to him, as I did, very much so. As I stood outside thinking about the seasons, I was so confused. I’ve always considered myself a reasonably intelligent person, very strong. I am not feeling very strong right now, in fact, I am feeling vulnerable.
Have not heard anything on the results of my scans, I’m going to assume that is good news. Though I have been remiss in sharing what is going on with my oncologist. I am easily overwhelmed. I did, however, get a magazine article proofed and back to the editor. It took me 3 days, but I did it.
I want a family of my own. I want the consistency and love, to both give and also be part of, in my everyday life. I feel like I am missing out on an important part of life. My family of origin is too inconsistent and sometimes very unsafe for me. This is sad, but true.
This is a really hard time for me, if this is depression talking (in memory loss), it is the deepest depression I have ever had, and what I don’t need is people saying they are going to do something and not doing it. I need follow through, I need consistency, I need to know I matter. The relationships where I feel I need to “prove myself, or stand up for myself with” are going by the wayside. I don’t have the energy for it. I don’t want it.
Today I closed the door to my bedroom, something I rarely if ever have done, and that is where I felt the safest. Sometimes I honestly believe that moving to the other side of the country and starting over would be advantageous for me.
I hope tomorrow is better, and I hope I am able to sleep tonight without the haunting. Is this unresolved grief? Message from the other side? Or am I so lonely that this is why I’m dreaming this shit? I am lonely. I am very lonely. With that said I want to clarify that I am not desperate. There is a huge difference.
To post or not to post? “If you have nothing good to say, say nothing” pops into my mind…
This is a really hard time for me. I keep telling myself “this too shall pass”…only today and tonight it doesn’t feel that way, it doesn’t feel like it will or is.
afterthoughts: It’s 5am. The quiet soothes me as I lay here in the dark. I would love to get on the treadmill right now but the only music I have is on my computer, I blast it in the background when I work out. Music is an important part of my life right now, and my workout. I lose myself in it. It inspires and motivates me. I will instead lay here and listen to the birds outside, try to focus on them, be mindful only of them.
I am also getting sick, I feel a cold or virus coming on. To this I am not happy. Today I have group and also meet with intake person again. I panic when I think about what she looks like as I can’t remember. I can’t remember the names of people I’ve had lunch with for the past few weeks. I panic as I try to recall their names… I am there for depression, I should just say “I’m sorry, I forgot your name”…but I am embarassed and also I don’t want them to feel like I haven’t been present during our intimate conversations about our challenges and struggles.
Anything right now to quiet the dreams, to calm myself. Dear God. please hear me, please help me. I pray not for specifics, but for knowledge of your will for me and the courage and strength to carry that out. Thank you for being present in my life, for the flowers blossoming, the promise of bright green grass to walk barefoot in.