After two relatively good days I thought I was healed (rolling my eyes) and tried to do tasks that require tremendous focus and attention. Really? Yeah right, the smallest tasks for me have been overwhelming. It has taken me 2 hours to write this, as I keep writing it over and over to make sense of it. I question whether to post it, as I feel like a frigan whiner and I’m tired of all this shit. It takes major effort and concentration to do anything, indicative of depression. Why did I think I was healed? Thus part of every therapists or psychiatrists notes of me over the years: 1.) Has a hard time asking for help; 2.) Unrealistic expectations of self 3.) Beating self up …. But I ask you, who doesn’t do these things? But then again, how many of you just got out of a nut house? lol
I am getting better. Expecting myself to be back to “normal” is unrealistic, and caused much frustration and anxiety. It also doesn’t help depression. Notice I didn’t say “my depression”…. I’m NOT owning or claiming it. While depression has been a part of my past and may be a part of my future, I’m going to do what I know how and can to prevent this from slamming me down or to the wall as this one has.
Presently I am in partial hospitalization program (PHP). I have wrongfully been calling it outpatient. (Well shit! lol) I will be discharged next Wednesday. Today I had In-Take for the out-patient portion of my treatment. I will go a couple of times and be evaluated to assure the best fit with a therapist and then assigned a psychiatrist. I will be attending group therapy, and individual therapy once per week. When I am comfortable or if desired, I can drop group.
On Tuesday of next week I go in at 6:45 am… that is AM….(can you imagine? My moaning and groaning will be heard all over the world!) to be injected with dye for bone scan or mri? I’m a bit confused. In between the “images” at 10:00am, I will have an MRI of my brain. Do you think they’ll find one (brain, not MRI)? I am fine, they aren’t going to find anything abnormal.
A side note… I did something last night that sounds miniscule but it is monumental for me…I have held onto a couple pieces of clothing that belonged to both my my sister and Jim. Last night I threw them out. I’m sure there may be another article from each somewhere here, but I would have to “search” for them. For a while it made me feel better to have them, but now it only serves to remind me that they are gone and keeps me stuck in yesterday. It’s like taking one leg or step, or maybe two, out of the jeans of yesterday. I am trying to live in today, right here, this moment…Mindfulness means . Letting go… Letting go…Letting go…allowing for new!
Grieving is a large part of my therapy. There are many ways and means of “loss”, not just from losing loved ones. If we lose a portion of our health, a dream is shattered, a relationship ends, yada yada, you get my drift. I grieve very slowly because I’m one of those sensitive types who feels things very deeply. I bet that shocked you! lol As with being an artist, being a very sensitive type can be a blessing and a curse, depending on which way the coin falls that day.
Today I actually had some thoughts that indicated I’m seeing light, I’m finding my way out of this black hole called depression. 🙂 This makes me happy!
Okay, I don’t think I’m going to spend anymore time trying to put this together. I’m becoming flustered with how long it has taken me to put this together. It is what it is….
Happy Friday all! Hope you all have a nice weekend.