I apologize for not posting for a few days. It has been another week filled with tears, a purging of unresolved yesterdays and learning new coping skills for the trials and tribulations of today. Outpatient therapy/groups are from 9am – 3pm, when I get home I play with the dogs, and by 5, I’m fast asleep. Emotional work is so draining. Every day I hear “you look tired”…. I am tired, I am exhausted, but it is better than the type of exhaustion I had a couple of weeks ago. I think they finally have the right mix of medications and within a week or two I should be doing much better. I am surely hoping for this.
Last night I had my nephews girlfriend cut 3” of hair off and did some layering. Since losing half of my hair last year, it has been straggly (is that a word?). This morning when I arose I decided, it was time to go to short hair. As liberating as it was chopping it, as if trimming the thorn and briar bushes from my path, it was equally reflective. I liked having long hair, I thought it was feminine, and the age and days have come that I’m simplifying, changing. Short hair for me is a sign of aging, and the exhaustion that my body seems to be trapped in, reminds me of such. It also means, for me, that I am no longer hiding behind my hair, just as I am no longer hiding behind my weight. It’s hard to explain. In short, I’m no longer trying to hide imperfections… Take me as I am, or don’t! If the length of my hair makes a difference to anyone, perhaps they will appreciate me from the inside out! As I posted pictures of the “new do” on facebook, I could see the “tiredness” that others see. My eyes exhibit a similar emptiness or sadness that I saw in Miss Lilly’s eyes when I first saw her. Now her eyes are full of life, love and security.
I have 3 pocketbooks going simultaneously right now…I had two pairs of reading glasses tucked into the top of my shirt today…I am continuing to make errors that are unsettling. An appointment Wednesday with a neurologist has resulted in orders for both a brain and bone scan. When I looked at the paperwork he gave me (You know, they have to write a “maybe diagnosis” for coding purposes) I was emotionless when reading the words that any cancer survivor fears…metastasis. Oy. It isn’t so much the cognitive problems (as frustrating as they are) that concern him as much as numbness and tingling in my feet and hands, legs that do not fall under the umbrella of fibromyalgia. I don’t have metastasis. I don’t believe it. I just think this is another hoop I have to jump through. Would you mind giving my ass a shove through the hoop? I’m tired.
My weekend goal(s) were to maintain a calm and steady mood, and catch up with friends that I have cancelled on. So far, so good. I visited with two girlfriends today, each of whom made me a delicious nourishing meal. I am trying not to isolate. The telephone weighs 200 lbs, at times my feet feel as heavy as concrete blocks… This, too, Shall Pass.
My best friend sent a message out to my facebook friends, kindly asking for financial help and support for me. I have received a few messages asking if I knew about this? Concerns, really. Yes…she asked me before she did so. I have received cards with “gifts” that are so appreciated, particularly at this time. Good tears are shed each time I open one and read what has been written. Familiar lessons of humility fill my mind as my heart is filled with love and support from being a recipient of such generous benevolence. Every card, every note will be placed in an antique chest of drawers which contain my most prized possessions. The encouraging and inspiring words, the love and kindness and knowing that others care, that they want to help, has uplifted my spirits and framed forever in my heart a picture of hope, faith & love . Thank you all, my cup runneth over. I will, in time, write to every one of you. I have also received generous “gifts” from friends, and also from a local Advent Church, which helped pay for this months mortgage and utilities. I have friends who have dropped off meals, which actually have been a god send as I’m not able to focus enough right now to cook. I made a cup of tea and 30 minutes later realize I forgot to shut the burner off… Oy… It isn’t like this all the time, and as I settle into mindfulness, my anxiety lowers and items lost are found, usually with the help of my nephew, Ajay! I am back on my diet, down 8 lbs, another 17 to go to get back to goal, the aftermath of self medicating…bingeing. My girlfriend whom we call “the sugar police” gave me a pep talk about this which really helped me to stop beating up on myself more, and settling into the solution.
Today I delighted in the blooming of the quince bush in my front yard. It’s vibrant blossoms draw hummingbirds, cardinals, blue birds and many other kinds of birds. I enjoy listening to them, I enjoy watching them. Acknowledgement of this and Johnny Jump Up’s sprouting all over left me with a large smile and a promise that the darkness is lifting, there is a crack of light, delight, and gratitude for the beauty of nature. Thank you God. And thank you all for the many prayers and well wishes… I truly appreciate them.
I hope your weekend was full of blessings. Thank you friends & family. xx