Movement is coming slowly. Have been ill, which zaps me of energy too. My feet feel like they each weigh 500 lbs today.
I am enjoying quiet, no phone ringing as the # has been changed and I haven’t notified others yet, but thats probably further isolation, but isolation is where I am at.
No one can heal me, no one can understand unless you have been here, it’s as if a force is constantly pulling me in the opposite direction I want to go. Things that once interested me, or that I had passion for, just make me feel worse when I look at them, because I don’t feel like I can or want to do them anymore.
Echoes of past holler through my house as I try to pull myself up. I have a couple hours where I am okay, or I can act like I am, but the vortex comes back and pulls me down.
Exhaustion, fatigue, and have I shared that I have gained weight? I can’t seem to get back my motivation, yet then again, losing weight was on my bucket list. I did it. What am I saying? I don’t know. I just know that as I sit here at dusk with not one light on in the house, the only thing that interests me is to climb back into bed and cry.
I am not going back to outpatient group until Monday because I’ve had this stomach bug for the last 24 hrs and it’s still here. One would think I’d lose weight from that but instead I am shoveling food in my face, shit food, to pacify, to soothe, to numb me.
My daily gratitude lists are now a thing of the past. I am consumed with the knowledge and fact that Brody is going deaf, time is running out. Good god what will I do when he goes?
Do I have the courage to start anew? As I drove down main street tonight looking into windows of shoppes I asked myself that very question…will this pass? Is this it? And then my mind goes to “As good as it gets”…. is this as good as it gets? And yet even still, I know there are millions who would trade places with me in a heartbeat.
People, my family, they don’t know what to say to me. I feel like they are walking on egg shells around me. Like I will blow off at them (like I have in past)… I don’t have it left in me. For a larger part of my life I have helped others, reached out to others, I am not now. Leaving the hospital there were so many young women who wanted my # to keep in touch, and I didn’t leave it. I don’t have anything to give them.
I’m changing my name again from Donna Loveless to Donna Lifeless. Yup, the bed has won, I’m going back to it, tucking myself in for the night. It’s almost dark, I have some rearranging to do tomorrow, changing of mattresses as I had one given to me…. Thank you Lona & Angela.
Comically (dark humor) for me today, I had received a text from someone I had met in patient. We became friends and for me it was clear he was denying his alcoholism, only owning up to his pill addiction. Anyway, he sent some very nasty comments to me in his drunkeness… It didn’t even hurt, I just shook my head and laughed. Then the next day (yesterday) he sends a lawyers way of apologizing without apologizing, I shake my head and laugh again. About 3 maybe 4am I replied to him… Unsolicited telling him his decision to leave treatment was a critical error. What legacy did he want to leave his boys, their children? Years of working to become a lawyer, providing for his family, and now trouble between he and his wife of many years… I suggested he google “I am your disease”… and matter of factly defined how I believe alcoholism gets its victims (I am speaking of the alcoholic, not of their families they are covictims). It manifests itself into the ego first. Denial, inability to accept defeat or humility, and then it wraps itself around the brain, its noose so tight it sends broken records and tapes telling its victim “You are right, you don’t have a problem”…. yada yada. I shared that there are only three possible endings for an addict or alcoholic…. recovery, institution or death. As I state things and write them matter of factly but what I felt was in a kind and caring manner… He replied at 930 this morning saying “I thought you said you could write well, apparently I misunderstood. Do not text or call me anymore, I am healthier than you. I laughed again, this sinister laugh shaking my head. Dude, the disease has you and you can’t even see it…point your fingers at me why don’t you, you can see the devil has me by the neck of my shirt, but you can’t see he’s got you too in his other hand! At any rate sending good wishes for his journey to hell. Been there, done that. “I am your disease” applies to depression as well. I’m well aware of its presence in my life right now. It is ironic, I can speak what I know to be true so matter of factly, without fearing consequences, saying things that I would probably never say otherwise. And at the same time I know the old tape playing over and over in my head is illness, it is unhealthy, it is lieing to me… but how do I get off or stop this hellacioius hampsters wheel in my head?
You cannot help someone who doesn’t see they have a problem, or who doesn’t want the help. Your efforts may make you feel like you’ve done something, like you’ve tried…but there is nothing you can do but Pray… and I do not mean that prayer is small, I believe it to be huge. It was through prayers and kindness of others that I gained the strength to get through cancer…I hope I will be healed again. I know I am in darkness, I know I am not myself. And the things that I know will help me, seem to be world’s away right now, not within reach. Like my arm is fully stretched, my hand, longest middle finger stretching out to the fullest looking for a touch of new land, new texture, and it isn’t quite long enough, and then the middle finger comes back facing me.
The words of my psychiatrist from two days ago “no more abuse, no more abuse, no more abuse…” If you have a friend whose husband is cheating on her and she comes to you, you can listen to her once, but if she comes back again you have to say “I can’t help you, you need to help yourself”…because Donna, you have nothing left to give right now and you cannot be near anything like that right now. You have to choose your environments carefully, very carefully. You need to be around healing, kindness, love, not harshness, abuse or strife. Stay away from strife at all costs. He was speaking this because of something that I did that I am far too ashamed to share. Just when you thought I told you everything, I withhold.
I do believe in prayer, and I do appreciate your prayers. I pray that the medicine will kick in, that I will see the crack of dawn as light and feel it welcoming, not dread it, that I will feel like myself again. I am so sorry for the negativity in this blog. It is writing and music that sustain me right now… and prayers. God forgive me for not loving or appreciating my life right now.