After my long crying binge yesterday came more.  I am exhausted.  I was visited by a friends husband who very kindly sat with me while the tears ran down my face, talked with me about God and how we all hit a low, and he shared some brief stories about Vietnam and his struggles.  He brought with him a donation from a local family who are also praying for me.  He asked me if I know that I am special, he hugged me several times.  He is a very gentle man.  Before he left he held my hands and prayed with me, asking God to heal me, to help me, to let me feel his presence.  I cried more.

I fell asleep in a chair in my livingroom, them moved to the couch.  I slept very hard for 3.5 hours.  I would wake up and my body would not move, and so quickly I fell back to sleep.   My dreams were a steady flow of memories, some very beautiful and some very painful memories.   I was reliving my past going back years, many years, even to childhood.  Things that I had worked through in therapy and, what I thought were placed in a orderly fashion in a closet with the hopes of never reopening them.   How vivid  the details of faces, hands, and my surroundings.    Sometimes when I am driving I visualize letting all of this go, pouring out of my fingers at the pace of a river after a storm.   When I meditate, I visualize opening the crown at the top of my head and releasing all the things that are now paralyzing me.   I am beginning to understand a little about post traumatic stress disorder.

I found this last night, it was a notebook I had purchased to write about my visits to Mass General & Dana Farber, and the breast cancer and reconstruction process.  This was the only page written in the book:

April 30, 2009: As I sit in the Mammography waiting area at Mass General today in a gown with only one tie holding it shut, and slammed my head back agsinst the frame of a painting on the wall…I am watching women come and go.   Waiting for the tortuous but what could be life saving imagery and results in the Avon Breast Center.  I was thinking, I have breast cancer, I have breast cancer…when am I going to cry?  Fall apart?

As the technician explained to me why they were requesting more mammography imagery he asked “Do you know your diagnosis”…I hear the words, the dreaded disease come out of my mouth, yet still, I am emotionless, or am I indignant?  What does that word mean?  I think that applies.

We are weeks past the letter stating “An abnormal finding requiring more testing”…-end

I have said many times about women “We are strong and get through whatever it is we need to, and then and only then do we crash”.   I guess this is so with me. I have turned my bills, my checkbooks over to the care of my mother because I am unable to function and have made many stupid costly mistakes.  I feel like an idiot, a 50 year old who cannot manage her own checkbook.  My mother, however, is being very patient with me, even when I am snappy, and that happens because I am judging myself harshly.

I didn’t go to my outpatient therapy groups today as I am having stomach difficulties and had a difficult sleepless night.  Now, I shall rest again…  I hope to feel the sun on my body when I do this, and have plans to take my dogs for a walk in the woods later, if I can.      I am shocked by the ups and downs.  Two hours up, and then I hit a horrible low.

Thank you, again for your thoughts and prayers, and the requests to keep you updated on what is going on with me.   It helps knowing others care.



About anartistslife

Through the many trials, triumphs and tribulations of my life, I share my stories to help others. I share my thoughts to perhaps bring a new point of view to my readers, and I share my opinions because I just have better ideas! ♥♥! Where would we be without humor?

6 responses »

  1. Donna
    Hang in there sweetheart. I once read people like you and me have a certain degree of more reality in our poor over worked and over grieved brains. I sometimes would like to agree and others dispute and become the village idiot. Oh Drat first I’ll have to move to a village.

    Give yourself permission. You’ve been through a great deal, in your life we don’t always have to be the strong one. Sometimes we can be the one taken care of. I’m sure your mom feels ok with it.

    You can email me privately or even call me. My cell is listed on my Facebook just for my friends to see.

    Grace, Peace of Heart, And Hugs,

  2. I pray that you find the peace and comfort you need. I can relate to your stress and pain. I said after my colin cancer Drs. should precribe required follow up therapy when you need it. It hit me about 6 months later. After my serious illness this winter I am still falling apart at times. It is PTSD of a sort. That along with the Fibro which flairs mightily when we go through these things our bodies betray us. I don’t know your whole situation but I decided to devote the rest of the this year to my helath and only my health. I started April 1, because my committments to my painting chapter were done. So I had dinner with my family yesterday and played with the grandkids. Today I walked and slept and made many mistakes. Tomorrow I will try again. One thing a month because it takes that to become a habit. I gave up all of my shows and sales. That is tough. I am painting only for me. That way there are no stressful deadlines. Stress triggers the fibro which raises the BP which set the blood sugar off and the cycle continues. So that is how I am handling it. Please let your mother and friends help you. you have to allow yourself to heal. Major things happened to you. I will keep praying for you Donna.

  3. Donna dear, I recorded the kickoff of Oprah’s Life Class Tour [OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) my cable channel 105) last Monday with Ilyana Vanzant and was some of the best “life healing” spiritual direction I’ve ever seen taught or given – and I’ve seen (and given) a lot. I’ve watched it 2x and am saving it to watch at least 2x more – once with you – for special friends/patients in our support group besides me (in particular) because of the advanced stage of your spirituality and the excellent content to help us get unstuck. Are you able to join me sometime soon to watch?

    That program was called “Stop the PAIN”. [PAIN is Ilyana’s acronym for Pay Attention Inward Now.] You are, as always, 1st on my list until we get this resolved. It is a great program for us to watch together to help us get back on track, regain our strength, and return our minds and bodies to the Truth vs. the miserable Facts. FYI: Tonight primetimeish and repeated in the wee small hours of the morning) will be Tony Robbins. Millions of people sign up for her life classes (free) and the entire class runs concurrent with her web site, facebook and tweet somehow.

    If this is (1) something you can’t/don’t want to do or (2) you are tied to a schedule that doesn’t permit a visit and viewing, please let me know and I’ll get the others in. Want you to have 1st crack at whatever time I have.

    Off to Mass Gen tomorrow for the neuro-opthamology for new options for the eyes. Look forward to improved news for both of us as we move forward in our healing. Know that I am praying for you and that I care. A Lot.

  4. you are so loved…stay with whatever comes to mind i think you are coming through the pipeline..let it will heal you are strong Donna we all are praying for you..take the time to be with you…by the way you are beautiful, and a wonderful artist..please work your stuff out for you and only you…
    Donna you matter to all of you hon come back …….
    Love You….it is ok to cry it is like a cleanzing move through it Donna

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