Lucille Ball or Donna Bawl?

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Though last night was a difficult night, and sleep was not part of my vocabulary, I had a wonderful morning.  A friend called and said “get dressed, I’ll be down in 20 minutes with the dogs, we’re going for a walk”… and so started my morning.  It was really nice.  We walked on a trail that we used to years ago, when our dogs were much younger!  I have to say, I think I’m in better shape now than I was then because I didn’t do a lot of huffing and puffing.

Following that, however, I was sorting through some stuff and found pictures of happier times, and that triggered in me another crying bender that I think lasted 3 hours.    The kind of crying that you cannot catch your breath in between, and when snot takes over!  I do think, however, that crying is good, it can be a cleansing.

I have been collecting paperwork and medical files for the purpose of disability (my doctors at the psych hospital all assumed I was already on it)… Upon reading notes from therapists, that made me even sadder.  My thoughts, my feelings of these notes also made me cry.   I am not depressed everyday of my life, but I have been the larger majority of the past few years.   In therapy I’m learning how to divert my thoughts, my feelings and stick and choose happier things to think about, but hey… sometimes life is hard and your pain cannot be masked (nor do I think it should be)…

I want to thank you all for prayers, and for my friends who have gone above and beyond to help me through this difficult time.   Thank you, my cup runneth over…. but then of course I’m crying because of that too!  I told a friend tonight via fb that I’m not crying for the dead bugs (ladybug imposters) on the ground….  Good grief!

I’ll be heading to bed early tonight.  I was happy to think I could sleep in tomorrow and hide , then I realized, nope…  I have outpatient therapy all day M-F…   oy.

Thank you all once again for your continued prayers and outpouring of concern.  I cannot tell you how much that means to me during this difficult time.     xx

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4 responses »

  1. Hang in there girl, you have been strong for so long and through trauma none of us can imagine, I admire your courage to openly share your sadness. This is important. After my son died, it took a while for me to come up from the deepest hole I ever imagined, the love and help of friends helped me back to the world of the living. It takes time, and the ability for you to accept our love and kind thoughts, give yourself time, and when you’re in therapy let it out, don’t try to be brave, the doctors will catch you when you fall, and all your friends will be there to catch you too, we love you…

  2. crying is a good thingg and gets things out…so glad a friend came and you went on a dog walk..people love you and that is good..just take it one minute at a time…….love you..and know this is part of your journey ….and we are all here for you

  3. Lucille Ball or Donna Bawl??? Leave it to you to be sooooo clever! Miss you! Can I call you sometime soon? No pressure, just want to talk a bit. And if I can do something for you. I have a few minutes here and there to help out all I can. If the boys are with me, they would be very helpful too. They amaze me so very much!

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