Life can dish out some hard choices. One thing I’ve learned in my life’s time is… if nothing changes, nothing changes.
It has occurred to me that I work very hard for very little. It has also occurred to me as I scramble to figure out how to pay for internet, thus phone (that has been disconnected), an old car that I’m upside down in that needs to be repossessed… I can’t do this much longer. While this stress has and still does play havoc in my life, it does not have the power it once did. Cancer brought to me some perspective on what is and is not important. Years of living with alcoholism kept my body in a constant state of fight/flight, causing not only ill health mentally, but also physically….This just ain’t working. Years of struggling to make ends meet, I’ve been ready to throw in the towel so many times… In reading some passages or quotations of highly intelligent, successful people, I have come to the conclusion that I am never going to get ahead, in fact, I doubt I’d make it through winter in Vermont this year unless I make some very hard choices, thus changes.
Doing the same thing over and over hoping for different results only rears the same problem reflecting back at you in the mirror, over and over again. Something has to change. I will be making some necessary changes once again, or in continuation of what I have been doing for the past year. My life is going to change drastically, but I’m an optimist…maybe, just maybe it will be better? I believe that everything happens for a reason. Some days things just come together and you realize why things worked out the way they did (or didn’t)… these challenges, these choices too, bear much purpose. I believe this. I am being guided to a new chapter in my life…
Playing it safe has always appealed to me, but really never worked for me. I am my happiest when I am learning, growing, evolving. I do not conform well to what others think I should be doing, though I may value their input or suggestions. I do not live a typical or traditional lifestyle. By virtue of who I am and what I have needed to do to survive, this living by “the seat of my pants” is very old. There is no salvation in “what could have been”, it is only in hard work, decisions and more work. There is no Prince picking me up on a white horse and carrying me off to his castle, nor am I looking to seek respite in the arms of anyone for security…only love.
It also occurred to me today that in my lifes time I have taken risks in relationships. Relationships that have ended painfully. It is time I take risks for the betterment of my future, my life. The simple fact is, I’m not making it financially, I haven’t been for some time. I can sit and dwell in a cocktail of self pity, or I can take action, take risks, and make changes…. I would rather look at my options, take responsibility for my life by making these difficult decisions and changes before they are no longer my choice.
Stay tuned… and if you wouldn’t mind “say a little prayer for me!” as I work through the decisions that need to be made…. My goal is Peace, peace, peace…. living my life responsibly, honestly…serenely…. I can do this… I know I can do this, I just have to keep my eyes focused in the direction I am guided (sometimes simply by lack of choices or options), but taking one step at a time… the same way I got through my journey with breast cancer and other difficult painful times…
I will close my eyes tonight, lay my head on the pillow and whisper over and over “I can do this, I can do this, I can do this…” and so can you!