Every year at this time I start to reflect on the past twelve months happenings, events, growth, gifts, and disappointments. This always begins a couple of weeks before my birthday and continues through to the New Year, sometimes beyond. I don’t set New Years Resolutions for myself, but I do look at what needs honing, if there is anything in particular I want to accomplish in the upcoming year. Moreso, however, is a review, an honest inventory, a progress report of myself.
It’s been a very busy year, I would say a good year! I completed breast reconstructions, I had NO surgeries or hospitalizations this year. I made some changes with work, and am very happy with those changes. Have future plans for work that I am excited about. I visited with my best friend twice, I lost weight and changed my lifestyle to accomodate this, embracing and gifting myself with better health. I have grown closer to friends, allowing trustworthy, honest and caring people into my life… I have wonderful friends!
On the not so good side I am having financial difficulties, had family drama and estrangement, and seem to have “forgotten” or “misplaced” my knowledge that worrying about things, for example cold, lifeless money… is not worth any of the stress I put on my body. A case of hives, and a very bad reaction to Benadryl (of all things) has me resting today. I have had vertigo all day, in general I feel like crap. I feel like I have little control over my neck, it feels wobbley and weak. My mom came down to help me for a couple of hours, suggested instead of working I rest, and at 49 I am finally starting to listen to my parents! I remind myself of what is important, of course it is to do the best that I can, to keep my side of the road clean, and that may mean claiming defeat in some areas. Nothing is worth jeopardizing my health for. I’m not going to go to hell for not being able to pay my bills on time so why am I allowing it to put me there now?
Losing weight has opened up lifelines for me. Areas of my life that were put on hold (and some without really being cognizant of doing so) have awakened and new life, new energy is surrounding me. I still tend to hold those who I love and have lost with an iron fist, or clenched fist, so much that I’ll be having surgery on my hand in January! So at least I made it 13 months without another surgery! Oh wait, at my age I think it is now called “a procedure?” Seriously, I do not want to ever forget those now parted. I struggle with balance here. At times I become so overwhelmed that the only thing I’m successful at are tears. Though I am “one of those overly sensitive” type people, I am continually reminded and learning to set emotions aside in many aspects of my life. I have become stronger, more resillient to oncoming arrows, but this is an area that I don’t seem to see much improvement or growth in, or not at the speed that I would like to. I think perhaps I cling to this instead of opening my heart to new love, trust. This is an area that I’ll have to work on next year.
All in all, I am a better person coming to the end of this year than I was at the beginning. I continue to learn, to grow, to laugh and smile in spite of all that doesn’t go my way! Things are as they are, some that I don’t like, but I’m always given what I need… I also continue to be openminded and willing to accept that which I cannot change, and am very grateful for all the beauty that is in my life and around me. It is kind of comical how we can one day be grateful for luxuries and the next be grateful that on a level of survival, my basic needs are being met.
If I were to choose a letter that best suits this year, it would be C: For Change, character, Caring… I am a tree whose bark continues to weather the seasons, peeled back to raw and vulnerable in areas, but for the most part, covered well and balanced. Now if I could only get my equilibrium back today, I’d be very grateful for that, too!