As most of you know from my weekly “bragging”, I am losing weight. As of today I have lost 54 lbs and a “shitload of inches”. It feels fabulous!
As a woman who has been on just about every diet in the world, I find this one different. This one is different perhaps because of my age… I’m finally “getting it”…. I have to make changes or I will go back to where I was. I am having fun with food. As I said in an earlier post, I am actually cooking now! Every week I make myself try something new. Sometimes I chew in delight, other times I run to the bathroom as I can’t get that taste out of my mouth fast enough! Clearly, I have to change the way I ate or didn’t eat. But it doesn’t stop there.
I have learned that it is a total package. As I make the changes in my diet, which is changing my life in terms of energy, motivation, and thinking, I am changing inside as well. It is amazing to me. I find myself doing and saying things that are just as surprising to me as they are to others. Having always been outspoken, I now have clarity in my thinking (Um… say what you want but SUGAR DOES ALTER THINKING and moods). My thoughts are crystal clear. Sometimes I have so much coming to me in thoughts that it gets a bit overwhelming, though it’s all positive and welcomed. I am fully conscious, not hiding behind weight or living to eat. I am eating to live!
I realize I ate because I was happy, I ate because I was sad. Rarely did I eat if I were bored because I’m seldom bored, but I ate to cover unexpressed anger or needs. The way that I treated my body (myself) kept me feeling “bad” about myself. I could never feel “too good” about myself because it felt uncomfortable. It wasn’t what I was used to.
Since starting on this diet Memorial weekend I have had an altercation with family members, I have made changes to the way I run my business, I am making changes to improve the quality of my life. In the end it may very well also improve the quantity of my life (years). I am learning to speak my mind, my thoughts, to share with others when I feel like I am being mistreated, taken advantage of, and even setting boundaries and making changes so that I do NOT feel bad about myself. It was so much easier to scoff down oreos, donuts, drink chocolate milk, behave in a passive/aggressive manner, all of which end up punishing ME!
My friend and confidant shared with me a bit ago that all of the changes I have spoken about began 2.5 years ago when I was diagnosed with breast cancer(s). I have to agree. Having battled clinical depressions in my life, it is nothing I care to experience again. I have been reading article after article about unexpressed anger, or anger turned inward causes depression. This was me. Because expressing discontent or anger is somewhat new to me, I have handled it unbecomingly and ungracefully the first couple of times. It isn’t with people I don’t care about, I’ve never had a problem with that. It is with those I love most in the world that poses the problem. But I am doing it! If my needs are not being met, I do my best to express that. First, however, is identifying the feelings, some of which started out to be overwhelming but now not so much. For every decision or movement there is a counter movement or consequence, true with all of us. I am making decisions and setting up my world so that the consequences, the reaction, the counter movements help me to feel good about me!
Never in my life (Yes, almost 50 years… and I plan to have a party too!:) did I realize how much it is ALL interrelated. It isn’t about food! It’s about my thinking, choices, decisions, lack of self esteem and self respect. It’s about what I accepted or didn’t accept. Wow, what a ride!