I have been single now for several years with a couple of short lived relationships in between. It’s funny, my idea of what a “good relationship” is now versus what I once did. For all who have not walked alongside of me through this journey of life, my last relationship was with an alcoholic and ended after a decade because of progression of the disease of alcoholism. It’s very easy to say he was the love of my life TO DATE. If you mention those four words to a man, they’ll run the other way and they totally dismiss the two words “to date”. I think this is a female thing, vs male. We talk about “love” and men do not. I asked a male friend who was “the love of his life” and he said “I haven’t met her yet!” which was quite charming, sweet and honest! I must admit, I was impressed with this answer!
Much has transpired in my life since our parting of ways, and also since his death. I will always love him. To me this is a good thing! To harbor no ill feelings, to return to love after some heartbreaking circumstances. I find this comical in some way. To me, I share that information (stupidly by the way) to share or give them a hint about my loyalty, my immense ability to love and it rears me the exact opposite of what I had hoped. I just do not understand it. But then again, I do not understand men! It took me 46 years to learn that men think and feel differently then women! Time to pull out Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus books again??
While my time with him will always be cherished, as true with anyone else in my life who I loved and has passed on, is it really a threat to future relationships with men? Am I expecting too much? Am I on another planet here? Or do I just need to learn to keep this big mouth of mine shut! I think that’s what it is. My big mouth has gotten me in trouble of late with family. When I turned 40 I got really lippy… with 50 coming up quickly I’d say that’s true at this age too, only times two!
I just spoke with a male friend who said to me (I love his bluntness) “Stop talking about him when you are with someone else. You may care, but they don’t!” When I explained why I do share that information his reply? “If you want to be with a man, stop talking about another man!” I’m laughing now, it seems so simple, so obvious! It isn’t that I can’t let go, it is that I keep them alive by sharing memories. I talk about my kid sister more than anyone else in my family and she passed 8 years ago. I don’t want to “forget” how important they were in my life, and I don’t want to forget them!
But just like going to a flea market and trying to dicker with prices, “I have to go home and sand off that ugly flower that is painted on there!”… when it quickly became apparent his wife was the one who had painted it! She gave me a very dirty look and walked off. I paid full price! I need to keep some things to myself, and I had to learn my “quiet inner voice”, as my girlfriends stressed after that incident at the flea market! I think this is why women need other women in their life no matter how wonderful the men in our lives are.
I want to be with a man who is crazy about me! I want to fall in love again, and the man who will grab my heart will treat me BETTER than I have been treated in the past. Here is the thing about loving an alcoholic…you know that you love them dearly, and you put them first, but you take 2nd place always to their mistress…alcohol. Frankly, the best that I have had in past falls far short of what I would accept for myself today! So onward…. with a new understanding of SHUTTING MY MOUTH and allowing future dates to learn about me by what I do, not what I say! Mums the word!!!!!!!!! I’ll heed the words of my friend and keep my big mouth shut! I just thought about how I would feel if my date shared about “the love of his life” (let’s not forget those two words… TO DATE… as we’re hopeful and open to new, better, more!) ……D’OH!