Today I’m enjoying a relaxing day at home, finishing up some paintings that I’m donating to a local motorcycle club who auctions off donated items and are given to cancer patients in the form of gas cards to help them get to and from treatment. I have been the recipient of these cards, have found them extremely helpful, and am thrilled that I can now give back.
I just looked down at my shirt, covered in bright red stains from the Crystal Light that I so daintily dumped down the front of myself a few minutes ago. Are the stains of the shape of anything significant so I can sell it on ebay? I’m thinking when I start zumba I’m PROBABLY going to need my own space far away from others so as not to wipe anyone else out!
I’ve been thinking about change lately. How difficult it can be to accept it, how much effort I have put into fighting it, and in time, sometimes quickly, sometimes much later I am always able to find how that very change impacted my life in a positive manner.
The loss of people is never easy. I have days where years later I can think of them, smile and be very grateful for every second they were in my life. Other days, like last night, I struggle, my chest is heavy, my heart hurts, as I think about what used to be, and long for one more talk, one more glimpse, one more I love you. I believe the waves of grief will flow sporadically throughout our lives. A song, a smell, a date, something will remind us of a beloved of yesterday, and instantly our heart goes there, just like it was yesterday. How intricate the human heart is. How beautiful, really.
I have been reflecting on the past decade of my life, the most difficult, the most character building years of my life. Funny that I have friends who do not want to be reminded or even celebrate their 50th birthday. I look forward to this new decade of my life. While I do not want to forget the people, the lessons, this part of my life that has indeed made me a better person, I truly hope that the next ten years of my life will be kinder, gentler. I do know, however, that no matter what is coming down the pike for me, I will be kinder and gentler to myself. One of the good things that have come out of the challenges of these times has been the recognition that I was abandoning myself in times of turmoil. I would blame or punish myself if something did not go as I had hoped or longed, I would replay the scenerio over and over in my head wondering if there was something I could have done differently, and would that have brought a better outcome. This did not help me to deal with anything, it only served to hurt me more. I have also learned that life isn’t going to always be peachy cream, so instead of wishing for it to be, if I worked on myself, improving my abilities on how to deal with the many challenging times in our lives, then I am improving myself and the quality of my life. Now a days, this is what is important to me. Quality.