I am turning 50 this year and I believe that this is has been influencing what I am and am no longer accepting in my life. I find myself not caring about what other people think of me, my actions, my decisions, and I am both astounded and disgusted at the amount of time that I have wasted in my life worrying about such.
I live a pretty peaceful existence. I work hard, I love my work, but like anyone else, there are days that are not so good. I am single and have been for several years. For a large portion of these years I was so uncomfortable with being single. I would see couples and would feel sad, or feel like there was something wrong with me because I was alone. I no longer feel this way. After much self analysis and acceptance, I have come to a point in my life where I like being single. I have learned that I am okay by myself. I have learned that if I am going to be in a relationship it will be with someone who accepts me for who I am, as I am and I will be with them because I love the person as they are, flaws included. Who doesn’t have flaws? I always laugh when I hear about a woman telling a guy how to dress…if he’s comfortable with what he’s wearing and he like what he’s wearing, does it really matter? What matters to me is what is inside him, how he treats me, and treats other. Is he honest? kind? giving? loyal? Does he know how to laugh at himself? Does he know how to forgive? I am not willing to “settle” to be with just anyone. I am enough! Yes, I get lonely, but I have things I can do to combat this. At this age I’m not likely to change, and I am not looking to change anyone else. I am not closed off to the idea of falling in love again, it would be wonderful if that happened, but I am not looking for it, nor am I depending on it. I have built a life for myself around my home, my friends, my business, and I have future plans for myself. If someone falls into the plan and joins me? GREAT! If not…. that’s okay! My life isn’t any less important, nor is it loveless because I am single. I do find it comical that some people find being “single” strange or unacceptable. But as I said in paragraph one… I don’t care if you think its strange or unacceptable!
If I am what I have, and if I lose what I have, then who I am? -German psychologist Erich Fromm
I value intellect and spirituality over material things. I do not measure my success with dollar signs, labels, or social status. Fortunately being a self employed artist my income encourages this ! I measure success by my personal and spiritual growth, how I have helped or touched anothers life, the connections I make with others, and by living my life on a daily basis, being the best person I can be, with emphasis on doing the right thing, not just what is best for me. If I can make a difference in a person’s (or stray dog’s life), I want to do so! I appreciate the finer things in life, and I have wonderful friends who have gifted me with experiences of such. I am grateful for these experiences and of course the friends who have introduced me to cultural extravagances that I would not have otherwise. Caribbean cruises, vacations and traveling is something that I truly enjoy as I am experiencing new things and it certainly enriches conversations with others. I believe that sharing our experiences, down to the intimate details to someone who is walking through similar terrain and in need of encouragement or other, is a beautiful gift we can give others and ourselves. I also believe that the many difficult and painful things that have happened in my life have happened for me to help others. To offer a kind non judgmental ear, to reach out to a fellow human being and share on an intimate level, how you dealt or survived, and offer support, comfort and encouragement. This, to me comes natural, it took me a very long time to realize this isn’t the case with everyone.
I guess these days I am not only being myself without caring what others think, but also with much acceptance and love for myself. I accept myself, warts and all, and work everyday on the areas in which I need to grow in. How do I know what these are? Ahhh, people, places, situations are put in my path to test me, guide me, show me where I need to go next. I have finally reached a level of maturity that I know when I am in a lose/lose situation… “know when to walk away, know when to run” -Kenny Rogers The Gambler. I no longer feel the need to convince anyone differently or prove to another anything. In short, I am grateful to know who I am, and frankly, I not only like who I am, I am proud of who I am. It’s been a long steep road filled with briars and bushes, lots of lessons, self doubt, things that if I had to do over again I would certainly do differently, but as I sit here today writing this, I am pleased with the outcome of who I have become and who I am, and I look forward to growing into an even deeper level of consciousness.
In my teens I was who it was cool to be. My twenties I was who I thought I was supposed to be. My thirties brought true love, acceptance, self acceptance and a sense of who I was and wanted to be. My forties brought tremendous loss, pain, illness, change, thus incredible growth and showed me what I was made of. Now, months away from turning 50, I know who I am, what I’m made of, do not care if I’m cool or not, accept myself for who I am, and love myself for what I have been through and survived. If only with wisdom and age we didn’t have to lose elasticity in our skin, memory, and waistlines!