Of late I have been feeling very overwhelmed with things.    My phones aren’t working, my car went in for repair, my relatively new scanner isn’t working, my laptop caught a virus and ate worms.  While I was bringing the laptop into the  computer Dr I fell on the ice smashing the corner of my relatively new laptop where the charger goes in, OH and injurying my knee and back.   It seems like every 5 minutes it’s time to shovel around here, the snow is piled so high it’s almost up to my windows.  I’ve had deadlines, open house for winter/spring classes in my home studio, year end tax stuff due, not to mention the everyday stresses of bills… I’m cringing at the thought of what my plow bill will be for the month of January!

Today I resigned from a couple of  business boards that I am members of.  I am actively restructuring things to try to alleviate some of this stress, this heavy feeling that has been sitting on my chest.  It ain’t good!  My oncologists and Dr’s are always telling me (as I’m sure they tell all of us) to reduce stress…..  Uh huh.  The more stress I am under the more the fibromyalgia kicks in and plays havoc with my body.  In short, it hasn’t been the best week.

I’ve also decided to push back my tattooing (last phase of reconstruction) because I believe this is causing a lot of anxiety for me.  I am so fear filled of infection or complications.  I need to be in a better state of mind to do this, so I’ll push it back 3-4 weeks until I can feel more firmly planted on my feet.

These are the times when being single is particularly hard.  It would be really nice to have a chest to bury my head in, arms to hold me, and a body to lay beside at night to reassure me I am not alone in my struggles.  I am a strong assed woman, I know how to get through the storms.  I can put on a tough exterior to cover my vulnerability… but deep down inside is a woman who is weary tired, could use some pampering, hell, some softness, kindness, and to feel like I’m not just in this life for all these struggles.  I would like to feel desired, loved, and believe it or not, sometimes I want to be taken care of!

Another thing that is bothering me is that when I was fighting cancer I didn’t let the little stuff bother me so much.  Today I am.  Have I lost the gift of perspective?     As I struggle to remember to breathe at times I remind myself I am never alone, and I have been through much worse than this.  My back and knee will heal, winter will subside in September, the bills will get paid one way or another, and all I can do with anything and everything is my very best.  Deep breath.  I’m breathing, I’m breathing, I’m breathing.


About anartistslife

Through the many trials, triumphs and tribulations of my life, I share my stories to help others. I share my thoughts to perhaps bring a new point of view to my readers, and I share my opinions because I just have better ideas! ♥♥! Where would we be without humor?

3 responses »

  1. and this my friend is my favourite blog entry of them all…glad to hear within your words that you are starting to be your own best friend again. An you are so right…the bills get paid, the snow melts, etc the crap that we worry about is so insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Thankyou for reminding me also xx

  2. have been following your blog for some time now and this is the first you have mentioned anything about fibromyalgia. You poor dear, so much you must be going through. I am a sometimes decorative painter myself (hobbyist only) and love, love your designs and that is how I first found your site, and then, your blog. I also have fibro and it is devastating, my hobbies, jewelry design and painting, takes me away from it all.

    Just remember, this too shall pass and spring is right around the corner. Thank you for writing, I so relate to so much you write about. Keep on doing it. Thank you so much. ….and get better.

    • Yes PJ, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia when I was just under 30. After a long list of Dr’s and finally one short bald bastard who said “There is nothing wrong with you, you just have fibromyalgia”. I have learned to live with it, I didn’t want to become Donna “fibromyalgia” Scully, though there are days and during a flare up, a week at a time it gets the best of me. I think all the problems I’ve had with the surgeries for breast cancer and reconstruction stem from fibro. It is what it is. It’s not fun, as you know. I think most people think you are just lazy or a baby if you tell them you have it, so I just stay clear from the topic. I feel like I cannot complain unless I’m doing everything in my power to help myself and right now I’m eating too much white flour, sugar and not exercising enough, so that has to change. 😦

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s