Of late I have been feeling very overwhelmed with things. My phones aren’t working, my car went in for repair, my relatively new scanner isn’t working, my laptop caught a virus and ate worms. While I was bringing the laptop into the computer Dr I fell on the ice smashing the corner of my relatively new laptop where the charger goes in, OH and injurying my knee and back. It seems like every 5 minutes it’s time to shovel around here, the snow is piled so high it’s almost up to my windows. I’ve had deadlines, open house for winter/spring classes in my home studio, year end tax stuff due, not to mention the everyday stresses of bills… I’m cringing at the thought of what my plow bill will be for the month of January!
Today I resigned from a couple of business boards that I am members of. I am actively restructuring things to try to alleviate some of this stress, this heavy feeling that has been sitting on my chest. It ain’t good! My oncologists and Dr’s are always telling me (as I’m sure they tell all of us) to reduce stress….. Uh huh. The more stress I am under the more the fibromyalgia kicks in and plays havoc with my body. In short, it hasn’t been the best week.
I’ve also decided to push back my tattooing (last phase of reconstruction) because I believe this is causing a lot of anxiety for me. I am so fear filled of infection or complications. I need to be in a better state of mind to do this, so I’ll push it back 3-4 weeks until I can feel more firmly planted on my feet.
These are the times when being single is particularly hard. It would be really nice to have a chest to bury my head in, arms to hold me, and a body to lay beside at night to reassure me I am not alone in my struggles. I am a strong assed woman, I know how to get through the storms. I can put on a tough exterior to cover my vulnerability… but deep down inside is a woman who is weary tired, could use some pampering, hell, some softness, kindness, and to feel like I’m not just in this life for all these struggles. I would like to feel desired, loved, and believe it or not, sometimes I want to be taken care of!
Another thing that is bothering me is that when I was fighting cancer I didn’t let the little stuff bother me so much. Today I am. Have I lost the gift of perspective? As I struggle to remember to breathe at times I remind myself I am never alone, and I have been through much worse than this. My back and knee will heal, winter will subside in September, the bills will get paid one way or another, and all I can do with anything and everything is my very best. Deep breath. I’m breathing, I’m breathing, I’m breathing.