It is almost 8:00am, I will soon be crawling into bed. I have been helping out a friend once a week, watching her 92 year old mother while she catches some shut eye. I usually spend the night working on business paperwork, last night I was too tired to focus on anything, so I spent the night reading some interesting articles online, and as always, pondering my life, choices, and where I am in my life.
From childhood on I have been told I am far too sensitive. My parents didn’t know what to do with me, so they wouldn’t deal with me, or would keep things from me to avoid having to deal with my emotional outburst. I’ve been told by siblings that they felt like they had to treat me with child gloves because I would get upset and cry, this of course was two nights before my sister died. I did get upset and cried, I thought I had a true and honest relationship with my sister, I didn’t know she felt that way. I have honestly felt like a misfit most of my life. I see things differently than others. I feel things deeper than others. Not only are my emotions involved with this but also physically. I have a high sensitivity to light, odors, loud noises, and large crowds. I am easily overwhelmed if there is to much information coming to me at the same time. Chaotic situations have the potential to send me into isolation to recuperate, rejuvenate, recover. I am not crazy, I am a highly sensitive person.
As years have gone on and I’ve experienced many things in life, I have become not so emotional. I have learned to keep much within myself, to also harden up to much. I have felt things so deeply that it has been debilitating. I have worked on this in therapy, group, self help. I have grown in this department, I can detach from things now that I could not before. I have the ability and tools now to walk away from situations that once consumed me. Still, as others see this as a negative (perhaps because they are uncomfortable in dealing with this), there are positive things about being who I am. The colors I see are more vivid, the joy is much more joyful, this is indicative of creative souls. I do not want to lose that part of me altogether. But how do I live in this world as a highly sensitive person?
Well, I googled information on this and surprise surprise there is a whole world out there for highly sensitive people (HSP). We’ve also been named Emotional Empath’s. I even took an online test last night to determine where on the scale I fell.
You Scored as Universal. You are a Universal Empath, you possess all the qualities of the other seven empath groups. You are what is known as an “Implicate” or Imp, a product of evolutionary design and genetic mutation. You are a psychic hybrid. (from “The Book of Storms” by Jad Alexander at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Empaths/)
It means I’m not within normal range of my feelings, how I see life, or react to life. Not a wonder that I feel like I do not belong, sometimes.
I have grown however in a few areas. For one, I am no longer hurt that I’m told “how sensitive I am” in a negative manner. Now I recognize that I get angry. Can you help who you are? To be criticized for this really pisses me off. I am who I am, I have learned to accept this in myself, and I wish others could and would do the same. Even more? I wish I could find someone who appreciated this in me.
And now? my eyes are crossed, and I’m not even sure I’m making sense, so I’m going to close. Hopefully when I wake my views on life, relationships will be lighter, more positive than they are right now. Hopefully I will not feel the need to protect myself, find safe haven to run to, and I will want to participate in the world again…. Until then….
I’m off to my little quiet spot in the world, my safe womb, where I feel accepted, loved and grateful for who I am….
If you’d like to take the test:
ps. there were 3 questions i did not take the time to answer honestly or objectively. I also took this test very quickly, exhausted. I am sure I would test higher if I retook it, but I don’t need a test to tell me who I am, though it is validating to know I’m not alone….