A veil of fatigue still overshadows my view of life. I am now off antibiotics, I can shower (the world takes a sigh of relief), and I do not need to return to Boston for a couple of weeks. Progress. I am disappointed at how slow my energy is coming back. I am learning to pace myself, my days. Rest is mandatory, there is no fighting it. I have had a long couple of days (which I did well!) but today I crashed…
True to my character, I ponder life, my life, and things. How different my life is from where it was a few years ago, how there are instances, moments in your life that have the potential of changing how you view life, others, forever. I review what is important and what brings me the most pleasure, joy in my life, and briefly visit my regrets of sorts, disappointments, times when life seemed so much simpler, easier.
What comes of all of this is a center, a foundation, the very basis of which all has been derived from, all is dependent on, and that which softens the harshness of life’s lessons with the promise of hope, renewal, and love… It is my faith.
Faith, the backbone of my courage, the air in my lungs, the light that keeps the paths lit. I learned years ago that asking or even nearing the question of “Why” things happened the way they did is like swimming in quicksand. Grace is something that hasn’t come easily to me. I am a kicker, screamer, a scrapper by nature. Grace is learned only after I have exhausted myself time after time, doing things “my way”, and finally surrendering to what is… Acceptance. This is where a boat load of disappointments, middle age, and fatigue are on my side!
Purpose is no longer a wide eyed soul seeking topic, but one that is found in living everyday, in showing up for life, in doing what needs to be done. There is a trust (or is it just acceptance that I cannot change things?) that things are as they are supposed to be. I sometimes wonder if I’ve lost the ability to dream. Even when I sleep my dreams are not of treasures or gold. I love my shut eye dreams. For the most part they are very spiritual, and I’m blessed with visits from those who have passed on. This topic reminds me of the topic of prayer. I rarely, if ever pray for things to happen. I pray for knowledge of God’s Will for me, and the courage, the strength to carry that out. This opens up my mind to something other than what I want or desire. Many times in my life what came to me was so much better. Some religious friends tell me to pray for what I want, and be specific. I ponder on this. All the years I have prayed only for knowledge of his Will for me, have I lost the ability to dream? Hmmmmm.
God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, or sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.