It is impossible and too personal to share all that has been happening in the past few weeks. I will say that that I am amazed once again at the order in which things happen, and reminded that there is order and timing to all, whether we understand, accept or not. I am not a religious person but I am a spiritual person. I have been shown on numerous occasions that this realm in which we live is not all there is. I do not understand it, I have yet to fully explore it, but I must say, when I let go of my own will, when I accept reality for what it is, and just accept and open my arms to what is, and open my heart to what I have been shown time and time again, I need not be afraid, I need not feel despair. Everything is right as it is supposed to be, and I am right where I am supposed to be. All I have to do is accept, and show up.
This morning i had this seemingly real dream. In this dream I was able to say what I needed to say, see what I needed to see, feel what I needed to feel. I awoke for the first time in weeks knowing… it was time to say goodbye. It was time to release this hold, this anguish, this pain, it was time to let go of Jim.
I went and bought a helium balloon personal in nature to the two of us, and Brody and I went to the field that Jim loved and that we frequented often. The field where he and our dog Molly would go and fly his radio controlled gliders and airplanes. The field where we would sometimes meet for lunch, or bag a dinner so he could catch a “thermal” (smiles). I stood in the very spot where we stood many times, thanked him for the many years of memories, all the things he taught me, gave to me, brought into my life. I thanked him for Brody, for our girls (my cats), for the many ways he enriched and improved my life, the culture, the laughter, the healing he brought into my life, the ways in which he brought joy to me. I told him that I would never forget him, that I would always love him, and wanted him to fly… catch a thermal…. and I released the balloon.
Brody and I sat on the ground and watched until the balloon was no longer visible. I said a prayer, wiped my tears, smiled, and came home.
I am a better person for having met him, having loved him,having been loved by him, having had him in my life for all those years. I am grateful for my time with him, my memories, and the capacity in which I was and am able to love this person. Even the difficult times taught me lessons that are valuable in my life today. His death while it seems senseless and cruel, I can not continue to question, it changes nothing. But I do know that if I only know one thing that has come out of it it is that I have changed, and I am making better choices for myself. And yet, I am only one pebble on one small beach in the overall scheme of things. I will probably never know the reasons or how many lives he touched. I can only know the impact he has had on my life and over time it continues to unveil itself.
I went to a birthday party for a friend this evening. Afterwards while watering my plants I was listening to the birds and was astounded at how much some of my plants had grown. Life goes on…. life goes on…